[ 29 ] creating myself

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Skylar


"Skylar, are you okay? What happened in there? Skylar?" The loud beating of my heart filled my ears more than the words that were currently coming out of Lily's mouth. I could hear her, but I truly wasn't listening. My mind was doing it's own thing, being consumed by the problems ahead. My body slumped against the seat as my lips trembled and I unconsciously flinched when Lily touched my arm. It wasn't that I was afraid of her, but more over the fact that the subtle skin to skin contact made me realize that this was indeed reality and I wasn't dreaming. I shut my eyes, hoping, praying for this to be a silly dream that was wrecking my thoughts at the moment.

"Skylar, what happened in there?" Lily peeped her head in my space, eyes wide and evident with concern. She tried to move the hair away from my face but I jerked again, causing the thick bundles of tears to escape from my swollen eyes. I'd recklessly shed tears on the hospital floor and continued as a I slugged myself out of that reckless setting and to her car.

The image of Tracy's smile was irritating my soul and the words that escaped her chapped lips made me shed another tear. "A son," I found myself whispering. The sound of my voice caught Lily's attention and she begged for me to speak again.

"What? What son? What are you talking about Sky? What happened?" Although she was inches away from my face, I couldn't see her. I couldn't see the features within her rounded face due to the clumps of tears that blinded me.

"Tracy and Tristen...." The sounds of their names together sent a shiver down my spine. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the back a million times. How could he keep all of this from me? He'd agree to be honest, he'd agree to tell me everything. But he didn't. He missed a significant important detail. A detail about his son with Tracy. Is that why he couldn't let her go? Because back at home they had something Tristen and I didn't have. A child, the bonding of a lifetime.

Lily's voice was shaky, worst then mine. Wiping my cheeks slightly, I waited for her to speak, but in the silent moment, it seemed as if she was trying to put two and two together and calculate this stupid dysfunctional equation herself. "I....I....you....what? They have a.....?" Wiping my tears once more, I wished I could block my ears from hearing the words fall out of her mouth. "....a son?"

I can't comprehend why I have done this to myself. I can't fully accept that this is true. But then again, why would Tracy lie? She knows that Tristen is hers and he's been hers since the beginning. If anything, I was wrong in this situation. I am wrong because I tried to take a guy from a relationship, from a family. In no real order, I realized that I was mimicking everything that Maddie was doing. I'd allow Tristen to touch me, to grace my body with pleasure that I've only felt with him. I've allowed him to enter my world, ignoring the fact that he had a girlfriend, and being oblivious to the fact that he had a child as well. I was so consumed with the need and content feeling that controlled me whenever he was around that I became an idiot and let him toy with my heart.

"Skylar, do you want to talk about it?" Her voice was softer now, so soft that I couldn't hear it. I got bits of her words and formed the sentence myself. My brain was pounding and my hand still hurt from the hit I gave Tracy. She didn't deserve that. I deserved that for stepping over a family, stepping over a relationship. When had I turned into such a selfish person? When had I had the confidence to let a guy put his hands on me, in me? When had I turned into such a moron and a home-wrecker. This wasn't me. This wasn't who I was.

I read books, I listened to music, I watched shows and movies for days, cuddled up in my bed as my twin brother annoyed me from time to time. I was the heavy set girl with a mother who would force me to strictly diet for weeks. I was the girl with no backbone, no voice. The quiet fat girl that no one liked. So what happened? What changed? What changed me? What possessed me to take someone else's guy and be okay with it?

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