A Second Chance (Squeal to Friends With Benefits)

Chapter 26: THE JOURNAL

Harry’s POV

I woke up to muffled sound of shifting, I got up and followed the sound and found myself looking at Alexis thrashing on the floor. I was going to step in till I heard the door close and run back to the bed.

“STOP!” I hear Alexis shout and I can barely hear what sounds like Tristan.

“Did it happen again?” Did what happen again?

“Like every other night.” I hear Alexis reply and groan

“You reek of vodka,” Tristan complains, I know I shouldn’t be nosey but I can’t help it, “what happened?” Tristan stops Alexis in front of the bed room door; I close my eyes and keep listening

“Is it too much with Harry around, did he say something to you?” she ask, my heart drops am I in her way?

“Tris stop just I can’t get a …” I can’t hear them after that they walked off too far.

She walks in the room and goes straight to the bathroom when she comes out the sweet smell of her watermelon shampoo fills the room and invades my nose.

She tries to wake Liam while she talks to him in a whisper
“Liam I’ll be out for a bit, I left the numbers you can reach me at on the table. You guys are welcome to stay as long as you like. The showers open and you guys can use if you like.” I hear the front door close shortly after that and I get up and carefully go to the room that has been bugging me all night.

Thankfully she left it unlocked. I walk in and the room smells of cherry vodka and soon my nose was proven correct as the tall skinny bottle laid by the wall. I walk around and almost had a heart attack when I slipped on a book on the floor.

Her journal, the one thing that I’ve been waiting to see forever, I opened the first page and saw the date.

12/24/08

Today’s the first Christmas alone, better get used to it. Nicky finally bought a rent out house, it’s big but so quiet. It only reminds me how no one wanted me or still doesn’t. I wish I could go back and just keep my mouth shut. Nicky gave me a phone for my first present, but I still have to cheer. I want to quit so bad but it’s the only place I feel I’m wanted. She pushes me so hard, she said she wants me to be the head leader, in 3 months it feels like I’ve been gone for years.

I turn the page and see a drawing of a cheer logo, I skip a few till I get to a familiar date.

05/05/13

          I cant believe I’m in the same house as One Direction. Today was the best day before I had to go to practice. Niall is so nice we had a tickle fight and talked about almost everything in his room. Zayn held me in his arms, I don’t think I can ever forget his manly scent. I saw Harry and Zayn staring at me while I was showing Niall some of my cheer flips and stuff, no one has ever stared at me like that…is it bad I loved it. I was playing with Zayn on the floor in the living room, I think I like Zayn the most like… like like him.

I can’t help but laugh as we thought we were so cool as she didn’t see us looking at her but then a wave of jealousy as she like Zayn first.

As I look through the book I see the taped string on a page with comments on the side

‘they don’t want me’

‘they hate me’

I can feel the passages become more emotional some you can see she was crying when she wrote it by the way spots smeared words.

 08/09/13

          They don’t want me, Harry just cares so he can keep his slut around so no whoring around headlines come out. I can still feel where Zayn slapped me, I can still feel the way the first cut was made on my thigh. Perrie yelled at me today for being a whiney little baby. I don’t know why I still keep the razor and letter; shouldn’t I have ripped it up? Why me just please someone gives me some fucking answers!

08/10/13

          Its time, I think this is my end of the story. Zayn yelled again and I feel like it’s all my fault that everyone hates him. They stayed in my room last night and I wanted to hold and feel Harry for the last time. I lay with him last night. When they left I wrote them goodbye letters I don’t think I want to say goodbye to harry, I think I love him but I know he only cares about the sex or whatever we do. I think he’s getting tired of me but I don’t want to give up my ‘purity’ but I don’t want to lose him. I think I should just go and stop being a waste of space.

That was the night she tried to kill herself, I never got a letter, does she still have the razor, does she still use it? The questions added up every second.

11/12/13

          I’m back to being alone, Harry laughed at me, made fun of my hair, and told me he thought it was funny. A part of me want s to go back to him and hear his fake apology and go back to thinking he loved me. Carters couch is nothing like my bed or even a bed, nothing feels right without laying next to Harry. I miss him but I know he doesn’t want to put up with a troubled teen. Carter made me run 7 laps yesterday for crying about Harry, he said crying is for the weak and used, exactly what I feel.

11/30/13

          Thanksgiving was horrible, all I wanted was to be around a table with the boys but I spent my holiday training. My first fights tomorrow and I’m more than scared, Carter says to find my angry spot but every time I look for it I see his face, his dimpled smile, but I’ve found it the words he said, the way he made me feel used. I punched Carter hard in the face and knocked him unconscious, bad thing is I repeated his Harry’s word to make me angry, I don’t even remember hitting Carter just after when he was on the floor and not moving. I have to win this fight I need to have something good in my life.

The way the passages were written with so much emotion sees how much she missed me as much as I did with her. I hurt her more than I thought. I kept going till I saw one from the day of the first time we saw her fight.

02/01/14

          I saw him today, I tried to keep as calm as I could. I almost lost it and leaped in his arms the other day at the coffee house, those needy fans almost blew my cover but I see they know now. When I hugged him I almost didn’t let go, his smell the scent of the cologne I got him from the day we went to the swapmeet. I pretended I had tickets for them like I was going to invite them. I don’t regret it, I just can’t now, all I want is to be in his arms again. I also lied about the meeting I had and left early. It’s 11:47 at night. My body aches from the punches I took today especially the punch my heart took seeing him again. The night mares got worst I close my eyes and they start again. Harry would know what to do. What am I saying he’s probably sound asleep right now in his mansion, happy.

The last one is yesterdays

02/02/14

I almost yelled at Carter for making them come, I know he made them. I couldn’t take it in the rink with Harry. I know I’m over him but why does my heart hurt so bad at seeing him. The vodka isn’t helping and I’m afraid of closing my eyes. I want to feel numb again just like the day at the beach when Harry found me. Somehow Harry is in every situation I can think of, now he’s in the same house as me. I just want a reset button I want to go back to that day I wanted to dye my hair and listen to Zayn and not let it happen. No I regret nothing, this is my time to start over I need to win this Vegas gig or Carter’s going to raise hell. I can’t sleep and the vodkas gone, my body aches for me to close my eyes but I don’t want the night terror to accompany me.

Night terror? She’s drinking, I can’t help but feel I caused all this. I turn to the next page. It’s us, our hands. The perfect lines in our embrace. The way our hands are perfectly draw, the tattoos defining who we are…us. I look up with stinging eyes and my eye caught to an envelope in the mirrors reflection. I crawl back to reach for the ‘X’ marked package. I open it slowly and let the items slip out, the razor, the letter, the…

“What are you doing!”

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Oh how I know u guys love cliffys lol, since school has started I will update every Sunday. So see you guys on Sunday.

-a