Broken #Wattys2016

Selfish.

Selfish.

How could I have been so fucking selfish?
Worrying only about my problems, my own issues.
To busy moping around about my loss.
I didn't even notice..

I'm meant to look after you.
I'm meant to be the adult now.
I was meant to care for you..
But I was just so fucked up with my own issues.

My mum is the only person I have left in this world, beside my brother.
And I almost fucking lost her.
I was almost alone in the world.
If that were to happen.. I don't like my chances for my own survival.

I'm to young to be completely alone.
To young to have lost everyone.
I had my childhood ripped away from me, and I'll never get that back.
But it's okay.. Cause I have my mum.

Time stopped for me as I looked at her.
Noticed her pale skin..
Her ragged breathing..
Her discomfort..

When she mentioned hospital..
I put on my best blank face, not showing her my fear.
I hate hospitals. They have taken so much from me.
I need to be the tough one, the adult.

Even though my heart is ripped to pieces.
Even though I'm at war with myself.
Even though I'm struggling to hold on.
Even though I wish I could escape.. Disappear into the wind.

I can't.
I'm needed here.
I have to keep her safe.. Keep her strong.
She can't see how broken I really am.

It's a good thing I'm the master of disguise.

My mum is my top priority. My life.

I wish you were here, so you could just hug me and say it's going to be okay. So I had some comfort instead of being so alone. You would see how broken I am and you would hold me together, keep me strong. I miss you so fucking much.. You still haven't left my mind for a second.

****