Broken #Wattys2016

Pain.

Pain.

They say when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes.

They say your world stops. Time stops. Everything stops.

And your life plays out before you.

I guess it's like a TV show. They show flashbacks of the season before the final episode.

I think it's supposed to be comforting.

To give you peace.

To give you that last smile before you die.

To wrap everything up.

But I honestly couldn't think of anything worse.

Seeing all the pain I have lived through.

Experiencing all the hurt. All the fucked up things I have done.

Retelling my story to me, like some twisted nightmare I can't escape.

I know that it is true. You're life does flash before you.

How do I know?

Because I used to thrive on that feeling.

I still kind of do.

Pain is something I love.

Pain proves that I'm still here, still breathing.

Pain proves I can feel.

Pain proves I'm alive.

People call me crazy because I have no sense of self-preservation.

I do dangerous things.

I test the limits.

I push life.

But one day, like a rubber band, it will snap.

I won't get so lucky.

I will get seriously hurt.

I will do something so reckless that I won't be able to escape in time.

I won't die. Because dying would mean peace.

I have learned that I will never be at peace.

Cause I just keep surviving.

I'm a survivor, even when I don't want to be.

I've had knifes pulled on me and sliced into me.

I've been beaten.

I've been tested over and over.

I've been physically pushed to my limits with pain.

But one thing I don't do is show fear.

Because I'm not scared.

I just smile and make some smart ass comment to make the pain worse.

How I haven't been killed.. I have no idea.

All the pain others have inflicted on me is nothing compared to what I've done to myself.

It wasn't a suicidal thing.

It was building my pain tolerance.

So next time I get hurt, I can just laugh the pain off.

It's kind of fucked up.

But I'm kind of fucked up.

Everything I do, I do for a reason.

No one but me needs to understand why I do what I do.

You want to hurt me? Torture me?

Go ahead. I'll laugh at every pathetic attempt.

But just know that when your done.. It's my turn.

And I'm one of the most twisted, sadistic people you will meet.

I'll reshape your entire definition of pain.

I'll stand there with a blank face and watch the pain in your eyes.. The fear.

The begging.. The apology..

I'll thrive on it.

It's not that I don't have a heart.

I have a big heart, I can be the most loving and caring girl you will meet.

But I'm also so full of darkness. My blood is thick and black, from the demon inside me.

I'm one of the most dangerous and psychotic people you will meet if you bring that side out of me.

And if you bring out that side of me..

I would say I feel sorry for you.

But that would involve feeling emotions like remorse and empathy.

And that side of me is incapable of that.

I'm a fighter. A survivor.

I'm tougher than most grown men.

I don't bow down to anyone.

I never will.

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Thank you for reading.

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- Jade xx