Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

epilogue // p.s i hate you

Courtney,

The most important things are the hardest to say because words diminish them, but I hope you understand and can detect my emotions in this letter.

You just had Pierre's first child, your first child, and she is the most beautiful thing ever because she is half you. I feel bad to say that I wish she was never born, but that's not exactly right. I feel bad that she is not my daughter. She does not have the surname, Joseph. Instead, it is Bouvier.

Séverine Lark Bouvier.

I am truly happy for you, I really am. You are finally getting the life you always wanted to experience. When you were younger, you feared that no one would love you, but turns out, a lot of people love you. David loves you, Josh loves you, I love you. However, you fell head over heels in love with Pierre and he did the exact same for you.

It hurts to think about it honestly. Some other man loving you and touching you whenever he wants. I could never do that even in the mental hospital and now I will never get a chance. Did I even truly have a chance compared to him? Did you fall in love with him the moment you saw him?

That's exactly what he did. The moment his eyes stopped on you, he was in love and I instantly regretted taking you on the tour. I invited you on the tour because I was trying to get you to realize that I loved you still, but instead you gave yourself up to Pierre.

Do you remember when Pierre got the broken nose and I got the black eye? We told you that we both were just messing around with each other and it ended up getting out of hand. You were such a innocent and naive girl that you believed us. In truth, I broke his nose after I figured out that you guys... I can't even say it. He gave me a black eye in self-defense.

I just couldn't believe that he would do that to you, especially with your issues. But let me guess, at the time he didn't know how bad your issues really were? He didn't know that after a schizophrenic person becomes involved in a sexual act the voices get louder and the hallucinations become more frequent.

Did they get worse, Courtney? Did they start coming back? I'm praying that they didn't. You deserve some peace and quiet. You don't need to have voices in your head that tell you that you are worthless because you aren't.

Something that I never got to explain to you was the reasoning behind why I named our latest album after your journal. When Josh and I began writing it, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I didn't know if you out of the mental hospital or not, but I knew either way you probably still angry at me. I knew that you named your journal Blurryface because you believed that he cared what you thought. You believed that he was a part of you.

You used to tell me what he would say to you inside your head. Do you remember? "My name is Blurryface and I care what you think." I named the album after that because I figured if you came across it you would realize that I never forgot about you.

I keep thanking Josh profusely for giving you his blood. I know you already did it million of times along with Pierre, but I don't think you understand how happy I am that you are alive. No matter what happens, I'm so glad you are still breathing.

Courtney, honestly, you are going to be a great mother and I really wish it was to my children and if I could go back and make sure that the daughter that you bore last night was mine, I would. However, what is done is done. I can't change anything and that's probably my biggest regret.

You and I have a complicated relationship and I think it's best if I just got out of your life. I love you, you love me, but you also love Pierre. It's either me or Pierre, not both, and I know without a doubt you are staying with Pierre. I will never be able to handle seeing you with someone else, so while you stay in Montreal, I'm going back to Columbus.

Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. I'll be able to see how much your baby girl has grown, maybe you'll even be married to Pierre and have more kids. You've always wanted a boy. Hopefully, Pierre will be able to produce one.

Heartbreak is the best motivation.

When you see someone you love with somebody else, your heart kinda falls to the ground, you know? Well, I have been given the motivation to finally let  you go. If only I chosen to let go when Jenna still wanted something to do with me.

However, I can't deal with the regrets in my life. If I keep focusing on them, I'm sure I'll be back in the mental hospital in a heartbeat and if that happens I won't be alive for another week.

Fear owns me because I let it. Because I obsess over it, name it, raise it, and nurture it to become perfect. It is one of the few things in my life that I can control. The fear of seeing you live your life with Pierre is forever going to haunt me, Courtney. So it's time to say goodbye once again.

I am going to walk away and I do not want you to hate me because I love you. This is why I'm making this decision.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, you will find only Pierre by your side and I will be long gone. I don't know what's going to happen ten years from now or even five, I just want you to know that I never ever stopped caring about you and I never will.

Don't be afraid of death , but most importantly, don't be afraid to live. I want you to take all our memories back. I want you to finally forget that I exist and with Pierre by your side, that won't be hard to do.

Once again, I am leaving, Chocolate. Please don't miss me this time.

This is goodbye,
one last time

Forever my love

Tyler Robert Joseph.

p.s Josh wishes you the best.

A/N: I figured you guys deserved another update, but keep in mind that the sequel will be up soon!

 Dedicated to twentyonereasons and twentyonepeanuts. You both have stuck through all the twists and turns of this story and I thank you.