Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

one // i guess i'm on my own

Two years later 

My hand trembled violently, the ink signature on the bleach white paper sloppy, hardly even staying upon the line which it needed to.

"Thank you, miss," the nurse before me spoke, smiling weakly.

She doesn't believe I can make it.

"I'll get your discharge papers for you and you can be on your way."

Do I believe I can make it?

My limbs still violently shaking, I tapped my foot against the tile floor, my mind racing, my heart beating loudly in my chest. Sighing, I threw my head back, my eyes dancing along the ceiling.

I wasn't the only person getting discharged today, but I was the only person who seemed absolutely terrified.

My roommate, Lindsey, sat beside me in the hard, orange, plastic chairs, a happy grin plastered across her face.

"I can't believe we're actually getting out of here," she remarked. "I feel like I've spent my whole life here."

Lindsay, of course, was a patient here for longer than most, but an year and a half was nothing compared to how long I've been in this aslyum.

Could you imagine what a thirteen old girl thought when her parents suddenly decide to enroll into a mental hospital? They didn't even tell me the truth on where we going. I remember my mother telling me that she was going to take me out for ice cream and I also remembered my two brothers, Elijah and Nathan, almost close to tears when she pulled me into the car.

I didn't understand why they were so upset. We were just going for ice cream, but the next thing I knew, I was being dropped off at a foreign place without my family. My family didn't want me and that was a hard fact for a thirteen year old girl to comprehend.

Now I was legally an adult and I was allowed to discharge myself after five years.

"Yeah," I weakly responded, "me too."

My mind felt distant, the fact that I would be away from the place that had practically been my safe haven for five years, the only place I could rely on to be happy because of Lindsay. This was the last place I saw Tyler.

Tyler.

He had promised to never leave my side, and only after a half of a year, he was gone, and I had never felt more empty in my entire life. I shut my mind completely down, worse than ever. He made me feel like I wasn't a lunatic, but in this twisted reality, I was. I was crazy for thinking he could stop that and I was crazy for thinking that he would stay with me forever.

I honestly didn't know if I could handle being out in the real world. It wasn't like I was going to be by myself because my brothers were the ones that were picking me up, but I couldn't drive and the last time I actually touched an ipod was the day before my mom bought me here. There was no way I could survive on my own. There was no way I could survive without this place.

"Miss Akehurst," the nurse called, "Mr. Baker would like to see you before you leave."

I nodded, slowly getting to my feet. My legs felt like jello as I made small steps towards Mr. Baker's office and I couldn't seem to think straight.

"You're going to be fine, honey." The nurse's hand made contact with my lower back, guiding me into the counselor's room and shutting the door behind me.

My eyes scanned across the very familiar room, a room that I had been in countless times before. The walls were the color of sunshine, creating a mood of happiness through out. The hardwood floor was a dark red color and got quite easily. Mr. Baker had always been a neat freak.

For some reason, Tyler always voluteered to mop the floor. I never understood why. He might of just wanted to occupy his mind or maybe he wanted to get on Mr. Baker's good side. I would never know.

Enough about Tyler. He's gone. He left you alone.

Mr. Baker smiled warmly at me as I situatated myself in one of the red velvet chairs that were positioned right in front of his desk.

"Courtney, how are you feeling?"

How was I feeling? Truthfully, I didn't fully understand what I was feeling. Was I supposed to feel happy? Sad? Maybe even angry?

This place was the only place that could keep me safe from myself. I knew that people here wanted me to try to get better or at least improve. It made me happy to think about the fact that someone actually cared about my well-being and believed that I had a purpose on this Earth.

"Courtney," Mr. Baker repeated. "Can you hear me alright?"

I nodded my head, my blonde riglets bouncing. "I don't know what I feel."

All my life I was told that counselors were the worst human beings in the world. They didn't care if you got better or not. They just wanted to get their job done and the only way for that to happen was to tell them what they wanted to hear. You didn't need to be honest, you just needed to please them enough to convince them that you were better.

The first few sessions I had with Mr. Baker involved him asking me questions and making casual conversation as I just stayed mute and buried my face into my knees. He never pushed me to talk and I think that was why I became comfortable enough around him to speak short sentences. I knew he wasn't going to judge me.

At the beginning, I lied about a few things, like the fact that I did have visual hallucinations or that I had trouble falling asleep at night. I didn't want him to confirm that I actually had something majorly wrong with me. You could say I was living in denial, but finally I just decided to be completely honest with him. I could tell he wanted to help me, so every question he asked me was greeted with an honest answer.

"After five years, you're finally getting discharged, Courtney," Mr. Baker explained. "You get to go out into the real world and I know that seems scary now, but you'll get the hang of everything."

He shuffled a few papers on his desk before stopping to glance at a few. "You had a few setbacks here, especially around the time T-"

Don't say it.

Mr. Baker stopped himself before clearing his throat and changing the subject. "You should have no problem once you leave here as long as you stay on all the medications that have been presribed to you."

Seroquel, Olanzapine injections, Haloperidol, Paliperidone.

I listed all the medications that was forced into my body on a daily basis in my mind. I couldn't remember everything I took, but those were the select few that stood out, especially the Olanzapine injections.

I kept my head down as Mr. Baker stood up, making his way over to where I was sitting. "Courtney, please promise me that you'll try to be happy and forget about all the bad things that happened here."

Happiness wasn't something I could just promise. I was on multiple anti-depressants for a reason.

"I'll try," I muttered.

A smile broke out across Mr. Baker's face as he squeezed my shoulder. "That's all I'm asking for."

The door squeaked open, causing me to jump out of my chair. "Uh, Miss Akehurst, your brothers are waiting to take you home."

Mr. Baker smiled at me, showing off a set of white teeth. "I think it's time for us to finally part ways and I know this is supposed to be a happy day for both of us, but I can't help but feel slightly sad. I'll miss you, Courtney."

Mr. Baker was more like a father to me than my real father ever was and I think I was the daughter that he had always wanted. He's always wanted me to call him by his first name, Jack, but I never found the courage to, but I guess I had nothing to lose today.

I tackled him into a hug. "Thank you for everything, Jack."

A/N: I had to do a lot of research for this chapter, so I hope it's not sloppy. Please give me some feedback! -L.A