Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

seven // i'm holding on to what i know, and what i know, i must let go

A/N: This update has mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, but they are only mentioned in the flashback.

I felt sick.

When the word sick pops into someone's mind they think of violently puking or major diarrhea. It's usually something that involves your physical health.

When I think of the word sick, I think of my mental state.

My brain was sick. Tyler and Mr. Baker keep telling me that it's okay if my brain is sick, but I didn't believe them. If it was okay, I wouldn't be here. Tyler wouldn't be here. Nobody would be present in this hospital.

And if I wasn't sick my family wouldn't be ashamed of me.

My eyes flew open, but I quickly closed them again because of the blinding lights in the room.

"Hey, I think she's waking up," a voice mumbled.

I couldn't exactly pinpoint whose voice it was or where it was coming from in the room, but I knew I recognized it from somewhere.

"Courtney, honey, are you awake?"

I groaned in response, turning my head to the side. "Will someone please turn off the lights or something? Black dots are appearing in my vision."

Every part of my body ached, especially my stomach and head. I think I was in a hospital room based on the bright lights and the way the bed felt underneath me. The question was, why was I in a hospital room?

"Okay, I dimmed the lights."

I slowly opened my eyes once more to see the white ceiling tile of the medical wing inside the mental hospital. Confusion was filling my brain and I felt a bit nauseous as my eyes scanned the room.

My doctor, Ms. Wicker, was scribbling something down on her clipboard before quickly clicking her pen. I was mystified to find an IV hanging out of my arm, but the thing that surprised me the most were the people sitting at the end of the bed.

Hope, Bekah, Tanner, Elijah, and Tyler were all gathered around the edge of my bed and they breathed a sigh of relief as I gave each and every one of them a weak smile.

"I'll leave you guys alone for moment, but you only have ten minutes before I come back in to explain what is going on," Ms. Wicker told everyone before calmly exiting the room.

"We thought you weren't ever going to wake up," Hope whispered, tears forming in her brown eyes as soon as the door shut behind Ms. Wicker. "Your doctor told us that you were in very bad shape."

I didn't understand anything she was taking about. Why was I in bad shape? Did I almost die? Based on everyone's reactions, I apparently did.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Why am I in here?"

Tanner seemed to be the only brave one to speak, but his voice hinted that he was fighting back tears. "Courtney, you don't remember?"

I shook my head.

"You tried to commit suicide. You tried to kill yourself," he said, his voice turning quite husky.

That's when it finally came back to me. I wanted to die no more than twenty-four hours ago and I was still here. Why was I still here? How was I not dead? There was no way I could have survived.

I took an entire bottle of my depression medication.

"Why, Courtney?" Elijah asked, his voice filled with anger that was trying to cover up his sadness. "Why would you try to eliminate yourself? You still have so much ahead of you."