Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

blurryface // entry

July 9th, 2013

Maybe I should have wrote in this journal yesterday, but I knew if I did it make the situation a whole lot more real, which was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want that thing that Tyler pulled to be real. I didn't want him to like me.

However, Mr. Baker wants me to write down my feelings, so he could help me with whatever I was feeling. What was I feeling anyway? I was terrified, upset, sad, and many other emotions.

Why would Tyler say that he liked me in front of the entire support group? That may have seemed like a romantic way to say that you wanted to be in a relationship with someone to him, but to me, I wish he'd never did it. Relationships scared me. I was afraid of love.

This was the exact reason why I didn't really want to get to know him that well. I knew feelings would develop. I just didn't know if the feelings were one sided yet or not.

Tyler was so terribly sweet to me and we seemed to have a lot in common, but I couldn't stop thinking about my friend, Tanner, back home. Him and I were never in a relationship, but he was my first kiss. Like I said, I will never explain that day in this journal, that event will remain a personal thing between only him and I. However, it was just a quick little kiss that I think meant nothing to him. It meant everything to me.

I was a loser at school. Nobody liked me aside from my three or four friends. That was fine, but when I got more attention, it meant something to me. So when Eli and Nathan became friends with Tanner and Tanner started to be nice towards me, I automatically formed a crush on him. I was twelve, me developing a crush wasn't abnormal.

I think a part of me never stopped liking Tanner and a part of me also began to start liking Tyler. I just didn't understand why my life was so complicated. Why did I have to have a mental illness?

Mr. Baker tells me that having a relationship may affect my illness and make it worse. He said the hallucinations may come back and the meltdowns and voices as well. I didn't think I could handle that again. My medication had made everything okay for years. I couldn't imagine going without it.

I just hated my life.

I never wanted this.

Courtney Akehurst, entry number I'm on my third journal so far in Blurryface.

Written on July 9th, 2013 at 10:15 p.m in pen. 

A/N: I'm on Thanksgiving break, so I'll probably do a lot of writing in both It Goes There and this story. Thank you guys so much for taking your time to read this story. I'm so thankful that you like my little brainchild as I call it.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

-L.A

(P.S I just realized that you guys don't know my real name.)