My Bipolar Mother

Chapter Two~ I've Always Known

•Chapter Two~ I've Always Known•

When I was very little, I always knew something was different. My mom was in and out of hospitals. And my father always told me I was too young to visit where she was.

I remember going through the hospital walls and into a crowded tiny room. We had gotten my mom a banana split. She always told me how horrible the food was. Or complained rather. But before we went to the hospital we stopped at this store right across from the hospital. And we picked out a crystal block with a rose in it, to the best mother. With a black block that lit up multiple colors making the crystal glow. It was a get well present I suppose. But my dad told me I had to wait, while he went to see mommy. I never understood why I couldn't visit.

I use to be a mommy's girl. I loved her, and I always sat by her. But then I started noticing stuff. Like how sometimes she'd want to go to the pool, others not. She would yell a lot. And cry. Asked me to do everything for her, and I did. Because I thought that's what every daughter does. Sometimes I'd refuse or do something wrong and she'd get mean. Threatening to tell my father, who I was scared of since he gave the spankings. Sometimes she'd hit me hard with the remote, or chase me around trying to spank me.

She said such horrible things to me. Things a child should never have to hear, let alone from their own mother. But this is when I was real little. I'll get to that later...

I remember I could never have friends over at my house. My mother never cleaned, she never cooked. She sat on her ass and watched tv. Making me do things for her. I'd ask time and time again to have a friend over but she always said no. So I went over to their house instead....

She always made these promises. Maybe to take me somewhere, or do something. But then she never kept them. I got so tired of it. She never kept her word and I hated it. But she didn't care she did it constantly...

I had to change baby sitters a lot as a kid because she would get in a fight with them. I must have been to at least four. She couldn't keep a job either and ended up getting laid off when I was a little older. I remember my dad picked me up from the Rec. center. And usually mommy does. He told me not to mention anything to mom, because she lost her job. She never got another one. She actually applied for disability and got it eventually. She literally gets paid every month for being insane!

I don't remember much from when I was real little, but there's always those things that you can never forget no matter how hard you tried.

She and I got in a fight as usual. I don't remember what it was about, but I was so upset. I went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife out of the drawer. As she sat there in the living room watching staring directly at me. I threatened to slit my throat. And she would say go ahead. Do it. Things like that. She didn't try to stop me. But I never did it. I'd always cry and run upstairs to my room. Or say I was running away and then leave for a few hours. When i'd get back she'd make a remark like, "oh, you're home." Like she didn't even care.... She made me feel alone, and unloved from such a young age. My father always said she didn't mean it, it was her disease. I believed it for awhile....

•sorry it was really hard to remember so far back and there wasn't much I did, but it will get more detailed as I go along, thanks for reading•