In His Arms[Ziam/Ziall Fanfic]

Chapter 12

I wake up suddenly, fully aware that Niall is up and about. My eyes hurt from crying myself to sleep last night and when I open them, Niall is kneeled on the ground, trying to gain balance on his feet. I rubbed my raw eyes, a sense of relief running through me. Niall was alive. He was here with me. Where he was always made to be. 

“Ni,” I said, smiling. “You’re awake.”

I look into Niall’s blue eyes. They’re slushy: not yet hard as ice, but not a water solution either. He looked stuck in his head. 

“I was better off dead,” he said.

For me the room suddenly seemed claustrophobic. Is was what I was dreading but something I knew what was to be expected. Niall was angry with me? After all, why wouldn’t he be? I was just caught making love with Liam, and he had almost succeeded in suicide if I hadn’t looked outside my bedroom window. I knew he was going to be angry with me. It was inevitable. 

Niall started heading for the door. I wondered if he realized he was naked. Liam had stripped him out of his clothes so we could transfer our body heat to him. Just as Niall reached for the door knob, he looked down, his precious blue gems going wide. He glanced at both me and Liam who have sat up during the process, waiting to see Niall’s reaction. We had dreaded the outcome of the morning after, and now that it’s here, all I’m hoping for is the best. 

Even when I know that I don’t deserve it. 

I stand up when I see Niall walking back. In a soft voice, I speak. 

“Where are you going Ni? You must be hungry. Let me heat up the leftovers from yesterday’s lunch.” He must be starving for being out in the cold, for God knows how long. I thought about what might have happened if no one had found him and my insides bend into different directions. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if worse had come to worse. 

I’m caught in my head, fighting back my guilt rising inside of my throat like boiling acid. 

“Just leave me the fuck alone!” 

Niall shoved me aside, bringing me back to the now. 

“Ni,” I said softly, catching myself before I fell to the ground. Niall picked up his damp clothes, putting them on. “I’m so---.”

“Save your fucking fake apology you cheating son-of-a-bitch, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m a fucking grown ass man, I can handle this.”

My worst thought realized. He’s angry. 

“I didn’t say you weren’t a man, Ni.” I stepped closer, thinking of things I could say to make him stay. I didn’t want Niall to leave. Because I felt that if he left, it would be the last time I would ever see him again. 

Niall looked as if he was about to explode, shoving his shirt on and walking for the door once more. I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything more. I was selfish. A cheater. A son-of-a-bitch like Niall had said. I didn’t deserve to be alive. And I knew that I didn’t deserve him. 

But it took me all up to last night, when his life hung in the balance, that I didn’t want to lose him. I was Liam’s, and that couldn’t be changed. But Niall . . . Niall was mine. Call me selfish but I wanted both of them. 

“Ni, please?” I felt the tears running down my cheeks. 

“I’m not Ni to you, you fucking cheating bitch. I’m not even Niall to you. Got that?” 

Niall turned around, staring daggers into me. 

“I’m dead to you. And if you fuckers had just left me, I would have been dead to the world too.”