Big Book Of Smornby One Shots

A Letter. (S)

TW: Suicide Attempt, Depression

A letter.

It hurts, you know. Well, of course you know. The cold space just to the left of me at night and the morning where your smile used to light up my day. I breathe daggers every second we've been apart and I can't listen to your glorious laugh without that constant stabbing pain in my chest. I see you every day, I've seen you with people hanging from the arm I should have been on and it makes me envious, so terribly envious to know you don't see me like you did them. I try, Ross, oh god I try to blot out the pain and I try to stop my heart jumping when you accidentally brush against me in a stupid vlog, or passing each other in the corridor. I've cried when there's been no more tears left to get rid of and I've screamed until my throat has bled and nothing could ever stop me from loving you. From loving every part of you. From your pretty blue eyes to the moans that would spill my name from your lips to the incredible drive you had to achieve everything you've ever wanted and more. I love everything about you and it hurts. It kills me. I know that we're each other's poison, I know I pull you down and I know you're constant drive for success annoys me. I know that when you left my arms for someone else's bed, I knew you regretted it. But what can I say? You broke that trust and even though we have to talk on a daily basis I feel like ice runs in my veins every time I see you. I tried to cut that ice out once, you know that too. You couldn't look at me in the hospital and I don't blame you, I couldn't even stand myself. But what are we without each other? I don't want to do anything at all, sometimes I don't want to exist. I pull the covers over my eyes and wish the world would forget about me. In the beginning, when you learnt that, you would ease me from the warmth into your arms with a smile that melted me and you'd make me work and I would always feel happy for it at the end of the day when we would sit together in bed, silently, our hands saying everything our occupied mouths couldn't. Those days where you would hardly leave the computer for editing a song or managing our accounting or something stupid, those days I pulled you from the desk and we'd walk, just anywhere, arms linked, laughing about everything that bubbled over our lips. I miss it all, Ross. Every. Second. It's like I'm living the same agony, the same pain, over and over again and it tells me I'm not good enough and I know this. I know you.

I know that forever, until the moon falls from the sky and the stars fall from your eyes and until the air has left my lungs, I will know.

I will always love you, my sun. My stars.

My love.

Alex Smith.

___________________________________

It's 8pm when Ross finally looks at the small handwritten note on his desk - he can see the words he's been ignoring indented on the page. Its 8:03 when Ross hurriedly rings Alex with tears streaming form his eyes and apologies tumbling over his lips. It's 8:04 when Alex doesn't answer, and 7 minutes later, (Ross is constantly looking at the clock on his phone and counting the seconds) that Ross is knocking, banging, shouting for Alex through his door. It's one minute later and the door gives way, in the next Ross's shaking hands are dialling 999. Their words are a blur but Ross listens as best he can while he sobs, choking out the words 'pills' and a strangled 'help him'. They tell Ross to walk Alex around, the wake him up, get a response, but Alex's cold skin is too pale, too (not) dead. Ross hopes to god that he's wrong.

That next morning Ross is sat quietly, withdrawn, sleep deprived by Alex's bedside while he rests. The doctors ask about them but Ross can't talk. Or he won't talk. He's not sure which at this point. He knows it's his fault, knows why Alex tried to-to-, (Oh get the words out-) kill himself. Ross rushes to the toilets, throwing up a non-existent breakfast and the tears staining his cheeks- goddamn those tears.
"If-if I hadn't- with Kim, I shouldn't-this wouldn't-I can't-please, please, -I"