Lost Memories

Torture.

Jade's

I couldn't believe what i saw, my heart ripped. I couldn't believe althea did this to me. There were no words to describe how it feels to see my girlfriend, the love of life, the number one person that mattered the most to me, kissing another woman. It just killed my heart.

I just ran off, i couldn't take seeing it more, althea followed me, naabutan niya ko sa lobby, at naabot niya ang braso ko, trying to stop me.

"Jade wait! Let me explain first!"

Pakiramdam ko nakuryente ako sa hawak niya. I couldn't bare it. Explain? What could be her explanation from what i saw? It doesn't matter if she or cathleen insisted that fucking kiss. Nangyare pa din and it hurts really bad to see it with my very own eyes. I know, althea wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt me, pero bakit ngayon ganito? No matter what she has to say, nakita ko pa din. At hindi ko na yun kahit kailan makakalimutan.

It suddenly felt like i can't trust her anymore, nakakapang lumo na nagawa niya sakin yun, i thought she loves me, and care for me. And with just one attempt of cathleen, she gave in. Sinira niya bigla ang lahat ng meron kami. Oo i was being absurd and judgemental and i over reacted, but can she blame me? I saw it! I saw how she just stood there letting cathleen kissed her. And if i didn't came, it could have been more. Parang naistorbo ko pa sila. I turn to looked at her and i couldn't control my anger, i slapped her face.

"Don't you dare touch me, or come near me althea!!" And walked out, i got into my car and started furiously. I can see her car on the rear mirror following me. But i ignored.

I just don't want to see her or even talk to her, parang hindi ko na gusto marinig pa ang explanation niya, nasaktan na ko sa nakita ko eh. At hindi na mawawala yun. Alam ko sa puso ko na walang kasalanan si althea, mahal niya ko, ramdam ko yun at hindi niya kayang gawin sakin yun, pero bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Naliliit ako sa sarili ko, parang nag ddoubt na ulit ako sa pagmamahal ni althea, iniisip kong baka nagbago lahat nung bumalik si cathleen. Baka narealize niya na si cathleen ang para sakanya at hindi ako, natatakot akong mawala siya pero ang sakit pa din talaga. Habang nag ddrive hindi ko mapigilan umiyak, nakikita ko paulit ulit ang nangyare sa utak ko. Ang sakit sakit. I felt guilty of slapping her, i didn't want that, i didn't want to hurt her, hindi ko lang napigilan.

Kayla dada sana ako uuwi, pero dahil sinusundan ako ni althea, ayoko naman na dun kami mag abot at makita nila dada na nagtatalo kami. Ayokong mapasama si althea sakanila kahit pa ganun ang nagawa niya, Because in all of my stories, i was always proud about her, i always tell them that i'm so happy and she takes good care of me. She works hard, to give everything i need, everything i wanted. She treat me like her queen and, i couldn't ask for more.
She is the love of my life and, i want to be with her until my last breath. I can't lose her, it feels like i can't go on with my life, hindi ko nakikita ang sarili ko na magmamahal pa ng iba. Siya lang.

So i decided to go to batchi's house again, head straight in the guest room, locked it and cried. Nagulat si batchi na dire-diretso lang ako galit at umiiyak.

Naririnig ko ang malakas na katok ni althea. But it still hurts too much to see her and hear her out. Hindi ko kaya na ginaganun siya pero, kailangan kong tiisin.

"Jade!!! Please its not what you think it is! Magusap muna tayo, buksan mo to!!!"

Gusto ko munang hayaan niya ko, gusto kong magisip kung kaya ko pa ba to. I still love her, i will always do and i couldn't love her any less inspite of what happen. I was never really this jealous type of person, but if something is already mine, don't you dare claim it, hindi mo magugustuhan ang kaya kong gawin. Especially when it comes to althea.

Masyado lang talagang masakit ngayon, and it feels like a torture to hear her crying out and pleading me to talk to her, and i couldn't even forced myself to face her. I just can't, i can't handle this now, it takes time to ease this pain and finally have the courage to hear out her explanation. Actually, it was more of me all bothered, worried and scared to what she has to say, i was so scared for her to tell me that she's not inlove with me anymore, that she realized something when cathleen came back, that she loves her more than me, and that she is leaving me for her.

I couldn't bare that, just by the thought of it breaks my heart. i couldn't take it, i could have just die instead of hearing it from her, from my althea. I would never be able to accept it. Sobrang dami na agad tumakbo sa utak ko, i was thinking of how she can be more happy with cathleen, how will she kiss her, and how will she make love with her.

How could i even i wake up every morning without althea, how can i make it through a day, how can i sleep without her beside me. Hindi ko yun kakayanin. And i rather die than to have it all that way.