Metanoia: A Change of Heart

Chapter XXXXXIV ~ Joshua

I was scared and terrified. Anxious and dreading. Redundancy, but those words weren't even enough to explain what I really feel. This week was agonizingly slow without Thonia.

I stared at the blue silk resting on my bed, my graduation toga. I sat beside it and felt the soft silken garment. This Saturday would probably the last day I'd see my friends together. How to leave them all behind-the years I'd spent every day hearing their voices, talking to them, and simply seeing a glimpse of everyone who became part of my days in school? But above all, I would miss Thonia.

Logically, losing her was bearable but extremely difficult. If there's a fine line dividing possibilities to the impossibilities, it was probably on the verge of possibilities tilting a little to the side of impossibilities.

I stood and went to my desk where a stack of cards was resting. Mister Tara encouraged me to cut my speech and stick it on a folder to be more presentable. Now it looked like I was hosting a television game show with cue cards.

I took my phone and checked my conversations with Thonia. I'd flooded it with voice mails for the past days but she hadn't even opened them. Whenever I would catch her online, she would turn off. I recalled the last time I'd talked to her and remembered nothing so important to blame for all these disappearances. We just talked about college, of highschool, Fredd's new game and we had mass together.

I got so pissed at her for not talking to me. I wanted to hit someone, to shout and scream. So many days without seeing her, much more talking to her. I missed her. I wanted to curse her so much for doing this to me. But despite all the ignoring she did, my concern floated higher. I was dying to see her. I wanted to know what's wrong.

The feeling was real; I came to love her so much that I started to hate her.

Please, I whispered. Tell me where you are. Tell me you're fine.

I recorded another message. I was done forcing myself to believe that there was a good reason why she's doing this. A day or two can be forgiven, but a week? I was rotting. "Thones," just that and I pressed send. That's all I could think of. What should I say? You missed a lot this week? Where are you? All of them were left without answers.

I lay flat on my bed, careful not to crumple my toga and cap. I placed my hands on the back of my head and stared at the green stars that seemed to swirl under my ceiling. Thonia did that. She used to be my glow-in-the-dark star, but now she left me alone in darkness.

I turned on my side and saw our picture from my birthday with the sand cake she made me on my bedside table. It seemed like it was all just yesterday when we first debated about love, about life. I brushed her face in the photo. The tiny touch on the cold glass frame gave me chills. I returned the photo beside the painting her mother gave me then immediately stood to change in my decent shorts and shirt. I grabbed my phone and car keys then rush out of my room. I flew the front door open, May and her friends were on the porch, drinking tea. The aroma of the lemon filled the air and somehow made me calm down. "Whoa, brother, where are you going?" She asked, I didn't know they were there, finally enjoying the start of their summer break.

"I'll be back." I said, went to the garage and drove my blue car out of our village into Thonia's. I could not contain myself anymore. I could not take one more minute without knowing where she was.

I stopped because of a stoplight and tapped the steering wheel. My phone vibrated in my pocket. It was Fredd. Thonia was blocking my mind that I got no spare time for Fredd's random story or his video games. I ignored the call. I passed the final turn then paused abruptly infront of their gate. I went out of the car without turning the engine off. I prayed for her to answer the door, not her mom or his brothers.