Metanoia: A Change of Heart

Chapter XXXXXVIII ~ Thonia

Chapter 58 ~ Thonia

Author's Note:

Thank you for reaching this far. I just can't extend my gratitude enough!

[Coming soon, hopefully: "Nubivagant" – Adjective. (context rare) Wandering in the clouds; Moving through air.]

Keep shimmering. <3
~S.

~~~

I sighed to take in the adventure I would face in the following minutes then ran up to the front entrance, passing the guard who stood from his stool. He must be surprised to see me all wet without my toga, so I paced faster, leaving wet trails on the carpeted floors. I was so thankful when the guard did not make any effort to arrest or run after me, I could not afford him—or anyone— stalling me.

I wiped my face, mixture of sweat, rain and tears—I stopped caring whoever saw me cry this time. I had to watch Josh's speech. I wanted to see him. One. Last. Time. I ran faster into the dark passage hallway leading to the back of the auditorium. I saw no one; everyone's busy watching the program. There was a loud applause and I was so scared that I was too late. What's happening? I could not understand anything from the semi-soundproof walls, but once the person spoke, I was sure it was Josh. "Josh, please slow down," I shouted, hoping he could hear me.

I entered the door of the technical room and went up to the balcony. Finally, I got to use this perk of being a student journalist, an access in hidden places within the school vicinity. I landed on the final step and saw everything and everyone, our graduation day.

Above everyone in the auditorium, I leaned on the railings of the balcony and swooned when I saw Josh talking in the middle of the stage, behind the podium. The front part of the auditorium was silky blue because of the toga, the side was filled of all administrators and teachers from different divisions from pre-school to highschool, and the rest of the auditorium was full of relatives and families of the graduates. Josh's parents sat in the front row of the parent's side. A camera flashes every so often. It was indeed a striking scene to picture; something that could make you feel infinite even for once. I was not down there with them but I was here, in a painful but more beautiful point of view.

As if all at once, I was swallowed by Josh's voice as it echoed in the entire room, devouring me into a place where nothing else mattered; not even sciences and its laws, love and its rules, life and its problems or the world and its vastness.

I saw him there; his facial emotion was at bay. I wanted him to be happy, even if it meant without me. Smile, Joshua. You'll look uglier in your graduation pictures. I missed half of his speech already but I took in and kept every word I got a chance to hear, "—know, someone asked me how it takes for someone to change his heart. At this time I was consumed of thinking we lived in a literal world only with the laws of reason, of science and logic. I was blinded of knowing every equation and solutions that I forgot the essence of life. I used to try reasoning out that question. 'There's no point in changing one's heart, the theory that it is our seat of desire was proven to be false, could be his brain because the function of the heart is to pump blood, not to fall in love' and that 'love is just a product of chemical reactions in the brain, hormonal excretion in the system and mutualism in society. So why call it love when you can call it reactions, hormones, or mutualism?'

Between those thoughts, a person enlightened me of metaphors and simile, two figures of speech. Yes, they tend to sugar-coat words but they are also tools to make us understand things easier." I was meters away from him and feet high, but I saw him smiled yet his eyes held agony. It hurts to think I was the reason behind it, I hoped not, but of course, I was. "So the 'heart'. The questions were talking about this special side of our brain where our soft spots for people are placed.

I came to realize that I wasn't wrong at all; I just lacked something in those thoughts. The world was indeed belonged with Science and Logic. Each one of us was plotted in a big Cartesian plane; some points intersects repeatedly with others, some creates the perfect angle, some are parallel to each other that no matter how close they get, they still won't meet and some are tangent who pass a point once, leave and never return. Nonetheless, it doesn't matter what kind of point you are because each point has different purposes—point (0, 1) will forever be different from point (1, 0)—they cannot be replaced by the billions or the infinitive sets of others because they belonged in their own places. Everyone is not just one in infinity, rather, we are one in infinity, we are part of the endlessness, all rare and special. Exclude the word "just" because it diminishes the value." The audience laughed and clapped.

"Love is a great factor in order to create the figure we aimed for using different slopes in order to move from one point to another, and these figures are stories, they tell how the points end up intersecting one another. It is an essential tool to make the lines stick together, for without it, the lines will fall off and nothing will be made, only graphic papers of emptiness." I moved closer to the balcony, gripping one hand on the entwined hearts on my watch and the other one on the railings. I almost wanted to fall down to the first floor and shout for him to hear, for him to know I was there, but I could barely move. I was frozen. His words burned inside of me. I was sated but still craving; I did not think I would ever have enough of him. He smiled through the cheers and applauses going on. "Pardon me if you think I'm far gone for my graduation speech and if you don't happen to understand. Mysterious isn't it? All these love, change of hearts, points, figures, all these things about life are mysterious, but my friends, it's them being mysteries that make them more...," he had a copy of the speech but he seemed to search for the right word to fill the blank, "...beautiful."

I wanted to listen. I kept listening, I wanted to hear everything but my tears flowed like waterfalls or rain in an angry stir. I covered my mouth to avoid the noise escaping. I closed my eyes tight and tried to even my ragged breathing. "I love you," I whispered to him.

There was sudden silence. I thought he was done speaking but he made no move to go down the stage, he just searched the crowd for something. For someone. After searching the ground, his eyes travelled up to the balcony on the opposite end of the auditorium. I held my breath. I wished he could see me, but I also prayed he could not. I hated to think that his last sight of me was me crying my guts out alone on graduation day. "Then my question has been answered. You have to find strong turning forces in order to change your path, to create figures, to make intersections. I thought about his before, now I will say it aloud: In those points of science and logic, Love can perfectly fit in between." He paused and looked at the audience like he memorized this part, "I must say I found a great turning force in my life..." within the split second his gaze fell on me, he did not squint as if he already knew I was there. He absent-mindedly placed a hand on his neck; he must be holding it for too long. His eyes was glittered by the lights, and showed a real sweet smile. I was not sure if I was dreaming but I was entirely sure that he was directly staring at me when he said:

"Thank you—thank you for being my torque."

The End