Rehab >> m.c

Epilogue

Four years later.
Gordon's small hand was in mine as we walked up to Michael's tomb stone. Gordon had Michael's green eyes and a mess of brown curls on his head like mine. It was really hard to stay happy when I was pregnant or even the first year of his life.

"Hi daddy." Gordon whispered. He sits on the brown dead grass and orange leaves blow around.

"I'm four today!" He mumbles holding four fingers up. I smile widely at my son and sit next to him. I often find myself wishing that Michael was here to raise Gordon with me. I always winder if I just got to the house sooner and saw him pacing around with tears in his eyes, if I just told him the news. Would it change his mind? Would he want to stay? I know if he could just see our son he would change his mind. Gordon always asked why his daddy wasn't there. It broke my heart to tell him that daddy can't be here. Sometimes I wish I could forget the way it felt to fall asleep next to Michael because it hurts so much. I try to not think about that day when he died. I try not to think about the body bag or all the tears. I still miss him like crazy. Michael was someone I will never forget, and I would never want to. I tell Gordon about all the happy and good times we shared. Although I'm still heartbroken, I have a happy healthy four year old son. Gordon never fails to make me proud and happy. Gordon mumbles to himself and tells his dad how his day was. My parents really helped with Gordon so did Ashton and Kale. Kale and Ashton got married last year and Gordon was the ring bearer. It was really cute. I visit Luke and Calum a lot since they are still in a hospital, drugged up and need a friend. It's crazy how quick Michael and I fell in love and it all still hurts. Visiting his tombstone will never be enough. I try my best not to daydream about being a happy family with Michael and our child, it's not very good for my mental state. I'm 23 and I'm scared to fall in love again. Blaming myself for Michael's suicide is a daily struggle, even though he told me it wasn't my fault. I miss him and wish I could hold him in my arms.

"Mommy can we go get hot chocolate?" Gordon's little voice begs and pulls me from my thoughts.

"Sure." I smile softly. We get in the car and drive to the diner. Gordon got whipped cream all over his face and I laughed. When I think about it, I'm really proud of myself. I have come a very long way. From almost killing myself to being a mother and finally be the most stable I've been. Sure I've been through things I will never completely recover from but I have a support system. Gordon doesn't understand why I'm sometimes sad about missing Michael but for a four year old he's really smart. He knows when I'm upset and he drags me into the living room to play Mario kart with him, because it always makes him feel better. I think Michael would be proud of me. The old me would've died to be with Michael but I know that I need to live for Gordon and myself.

"I love you mommy." Gordon smiles leaning into my side.

"I love you too Gordon." I kiss his head. Maybe we'll all be alright maybe we won't. I think I got this.

//authors note//
So there it is. Rehab is over. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for everyone who will read it. Stay groovy :0