Dawn (A Twilight Fanfiction) {Editing}

Something Worth Living For

Josh. Josh is gone. How can I even possibly imagine going on without him? How can anything be the same? I wouldn't move, I wouldn't talk, respond, or even blink. The same images just kept replaying over and over in my mind. The way he looked at me, as I held him in my arms, and he took his last breath. There were so many ways to save him, and I hadn't used any of them. If I had listened to Jacob, and sent Josh away sooner, none of this would have happened. But, I was foolish, and put myself before others, which resulted in his death. I could have turned him, but I didn't have the courage to doom him to a life like that. But, I'm selfish, and I should have changed him. His wants shouldn't have mattered, I should have just done it. But...I couldn't. I hate being a vampire, and even though Josh said he just wanted to be with me, I think that deep down, he just wanted to die in peace. After finding me, and knowing I was OK. He didn't get along with his parents anyway, which might have been the reason we bonded so much when we first met. The first time I met Josh was so vivid, it was like it was yesterday. And I guess the funny thing was, that Bella told me that most vampires don't really remember their human lives. Alice didn't remember any of hers. But with me, it all just...kept replaying, over and over. It haunted me. Deaths, so many deaths. And love, loss and regret; it was just too much. My heart could only take so much, and even though it was ice cold and freezing over, it was just becoming too much to handle. Sometimes, I just wished I could erase it all. But, that would be way too easy.

The worst thing for me was; I had no one left. Not properly. No family. No one to love, or love me back. Josh was gone, so was Demetri. Bella, the Cullens and my mother were just as good as. So who could I turn to now? Jacob? The wolves? The Volturi? Who would welcome me, when I was just an outcast, with no real purpose in life?

I shivered. I had no idea why, for temperature did not affect me, but I shivered anway. The clear water in the bath tub was cold, almost freezing. And even as I clung my knees to my chest in a ball, nothing could warm me up. I'd been in the bath for almost an hour and a half. I had no idea why I'd decided to bathe in the first place. No one cared. Maybe it was because Alice and Rose had insisted I should, since I had been sitting in my bed, numb, for at least a week. I wasn't really counting the days. Time just ticked by, and I sat numb, slowly decaying to a broken shell.

Surely, I looked like a mess, and that was the only reason Alice and Rosalie cared. Notted hair, chapped lips, blank eyes. It's not like they actually cared. I'm not part of their family. I don't even really know them.

But, I guess the worst thing was that Bella hadn't come to see me at all since Josh died. No moral support, no hugs, or promises of a better day. Which, was better in some ways. I saw the look on her face when Seth carried me into the Cullen's home after I'd tried to drown myself. Regret. However, I also saw familiarity, like she had been through what I had. Maybe, in some ways, she had, but Edward came back, Josh won't. He can't. And I'll never see his beautiful smile ever again. I'll be forced to spend my whole existance replaying his death over and over in my mind, never being able to forget it. It was like Alec had took a burning hot branding iron, and had etched the memory into my mind forever. Just to cause me pain. To make me suffer. All because I didn't choose him.

He was selfish, demanding, and delusional. What made him think I would pick him, when he had done me so much suffering? Even though the idea repulsed me, I knew that I might have picked him before I left the Volturi, but that was only because of my problems with Demetri. However, me and Demetri got over out differences, and we ended up together. Our relationship ended in tragedy, I'll admit that, but not as much as mine and Alec's relationship would have. If me and him had ever got together, it would have been a living disaster. But it was Aro's idea in the first place for us to become mates, and I knew that if we would have, we would have been unstoppable. Maybe that was what Aro wanted all along? For me and Alec, and possibly Jane, to come together and be the Volturi's biggest weapon. My ablilty may not be physical, but it was still strong. Not many-in fact no one, apart from Alec and once, Josh, had overcome my mind control, and that was saying something. I don't know how Alec managed to break out of my control, or how Josh had just managed to deny it. When I told him to go back into the house, wait for me, and forget, he just denied me and went back to being shocked. Maybe if my mind-control had worked, he wouldn't be dead. There was just so many ways that he could not be dead.