Spencer Reid One-Shots

Was it real?

SUMMARY:
Based on the song 'Was it Real?' by Ben Rodrigues.

(I might also be writing from personal experience...)
(Lyrics in italics and underlined)
(Memories are in italics and bold)

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SPENCER
I am by no means successful when it comes to romantic relationships. A lot of the time, my relationships with people never got past the 'crush' stage.

There was a friend of mine, Ethan. We liked each other, but he dropped out of the FBI on our first day and left Virginia for New Orleans, which put a strain on our friendship, so we never even got the chance to try anything more.

JJ, my best friend and my first female crush. Gideon gifted me tickets to a game that I invited JJ to. It was my own fault for not asking her out properly, which left JJ assuming it would be okay to invite Penelope along for a bonding activity.

Lila Archer was an actress who showed some interest in me, but our lives were too different and hectic, so even though we agreed to try and see each other, another meet up never happened. 

Austin, the most recent woman in my life that I attempted to flirt with. She was cute, and a great bartender. After being targeted by an unsub, she dropped her job and told me she'd take up magic as a career. We called for a while, but the communication slowly ceased and life got more complicated.

Y/N was the first person I had actually attempted a relationship with. I say 'attempted' because looking back now, I'm not sure if we were ever actually together, or if she was dating me for the sake of being nice.

It was no secret that Y/N and I could never just be friends. We knew things about each other that 'just friends' wouldn't be aware of. I knew that when Y/N's anxiety spiked, she often slept with her childhood teddy bear to help her calm down. She knew that I often read books in other languages to fall asleep. These secrets we kept were revealed during one of our days hanging out.

I wrote Y/N a letter expressing my feelings for her. All of our friends assured me that my feelings for her weren't one-sided and after giving Y/N the letter, she replied to me by agreeing to be my girlfriend. I was overjoyed. Outside of work, we hung out a few times. Most of the time, our hang outs happened at her place. We hung out away from her place once, that day being spent in the city. Although, that day went from being just the two of us, to Emily joining us, which I didn't mind.

The team knew we were dating, and constantly asked how everything was going. At first, I loved talking about me and Y/N, but soon, wanting to talk about us became weird. Outside of work, Y/N's messages slowly became less and less - she'd message me on a Saturday at 10 AM, but away from work, I wouldn't hear back from her until the next Thursday at 8 PM.

I told her that I loved her, something a boyfriend would tell his partner, and she'd say it back, but at work, and even at her place, we never kissed. We hugged and sometimes cuddled.

After the 3rd month, I started feeling like the relationship was one-sided, as if the only person who wanted this relationship was me. That worry of mine was confirmed halfway through the 4th month, when Y/N pulled me aside right before we both left the office, letting me know that she didn't want to continue the relationship. That's all she said, not even giving me an explanation.

I was too embarrassed to tell the team what had happened, considering I spend that night trying not to cry while I watched a movie and shoved sugary snacks into my mouth. The next day, I was greeted to more questions about my relationship with Y/N and I didn't reply. I simply shrugged my shoulders and headed to my desk. That must've given our friends their answer, as they no longer asked me about the relationship, instead pretending that it had never happened.

———

Now, 2 months later, those months still stuck in my head as memories that refused to fade.

So tell me was it real or was it just pretend?

I rested still in my bed, staring straight up at the roof of my bedroom. For the past few days, I had been in this back and forth conversation with myself, thinking about Y/N.

My brain was trying to convince me that my relationship with Y/N was nothing but a figment of my imagination. That would explain why she seemed distant from me. Why she went days without messaging me outside of work.

My heart was trying to convince me that my relationship with Y/N was real, that she was actually my girlfriend. We cuddled like a couple would. We hung out outside of work like a couple would. We talked a lot like couples would.

Calling 'til the morning just to call again

The newest case had kept everyone awake. Not even the jet ride home could relax anyone. So, I called Y/N. After a few rings, her voice echoed through my bedroom as my phone rested on my bedside table. For the whole night, we talked. We expressed our frustrations about the case. We talked about whatever book we had been reading. Eventually, we both fell asleep, the call still lasting long after we were both out cold. At 8 AM, I woke up to the sound of my alarm, seeing that - at some point - the call had ended, but before I could actually wake up, I was dialling Y/N's number and from the moment she woke up, to the moment we parked at work, we talked over the phone.

I could never be the one to just be friends

With all the time we spent together both at work and at home, I wondered how Y/N and I hadn't gotten together sooner. Being around her felt so normal- so right. I knew that being friends is what made our relationship better. We got along. We understood each other. We could talk like best friends, even though we were dating.

Can we call again?

Even when we weren't talking, I was always tempted to dial her number just to hear her voice, and yet I restrained myself, not wanting to annoy her. Did she enjoy the calls with me, as much as I enjoyed our calls?

Can we fall again?

And, every time we talked to each other, I fell harder in love with her. Did she love me as much as I loved her?

So tell me all the places that you wanna see

I wanted nothing but to travel around the world with Y/N. She once expressed her interest of taking some time off from work to travel - without the hassle of needing to solve a gruesome case.

If it were up to me we'd have a time machine

So I can take you all the places that you've never been

Just you and me making history

I wondered what life would've been like if I had a time machine. Not only would I be able to take Y/N anywhere in the world, but any time in history. I once had a dream that Y/N and I had jumped into a time machine and travelled throughout space and time. Our first trip was to the Regency era, where we were dressed in expensive clothes, dancing around at social balls. Our last trip - before I woke up - was to the year the BAU was created, as Y/N had always wondered what the BAU was like back when Rossi and Gideon were the only members of the team.

———

As much as I missed my...relationship with Y/N, it was clear that she wasn't interested in being more than friends with me. Although, I wondered how I would be able to keep my feelings deep down, considering I was still in love with her.

But, one thing I constantly consider every day: was it real?