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Yesterday couldn't have gone any worse than it did. I lost my shit so entirely that I don't even recognize myself. I had a gun on Natalia! Uugghhh. I'm disgusted with myself.
I know it's not an excuse but it really pissed me off that she kept brushing me off. I understand how it must have looked when I walked out and didn't see if she was okay when J attacked her, I know that. That's why I wanted to talk to her. She just won't listen! How am I supposed to explain to her that the thought of her dying crippled me so entirely that I literally hurled my guts up if she won't fucking listen?!
I just need her to listen. I need her to understand that I'm consumed by her and I want her at my side. She needs to know how I truly feel and I hate that yesterday I reverted back to the old me, the me that panics when I don't have control of a situation. I know it was wrong but I don't know how else to get my point across to her without total dominance of the situation. I need that control. I can't function without it.
I refuse to let Vincenzo be right. I don't need to be a miserable fuck like he was. I can have it all.
I will.
I have no idea how I'm going to gain her trust back after yesterday but I'll do it. If we survive today I'll win her back....I have to. I know now that I can't live without her.
Lead with love Dante...
That's easier said than done mom...I'm lost. How can I lead with love and still keep everyone safe? All I know is death and violence, it's all I can afford.
Maybe Izzy's right and Dom is a better fit for Natalia, he's always been kinder than I have. Still strong and a cold bastard when he needed to be but he never let that side of him overtake the good.
I wonder how he does it. How he manages to keep that balance has always been a complete mind fuck for me. Diego and Dario are easy enough to understand, Diego numbs himself and rarely lets anything past the fortress of a wall he's built around himself. Other than anger, which he uses to fuel himself, the kid's a blank slate. Dario just doesn't care enough about anything to let it bother him, I suppose that's the result of a shitty childhood where his life was always in question, he was always one fuck up, one disappointment away from losing his life to Vincenzo. Dario has learned to be a "I'm here for a good time not a long time" kind of guy.
Roman distracts himself with work and values professionalism above everything else, it's how he separates the work him from the personal him. Which in truth are two very different versions of him, I just can't afford to do that. My hat doesn't come off, there's always something, or someone that I have to deal with. Both Inferno business and and my ventures on the legal side of things keep me entirely on my guard.
J literally lets his emotions consume him so I can't really ask him for advice... that really leaves me Dom as my only chance of getting her back.
Just my luck that my only hope of getting the girl is also the only one capable of taking her away from me.
