What if

Chapter 58

Lucy's pov
And suddenly the whole Chris being quiet in the car made sense.
"What the fuck are you doing Lucy?"
I look around at him confused. I try to open my mouth to say something but I don't have it in myself to say anything. Whatever he has to say or do, I'll handle it.
It's just till tomorrow, work has to do a welfare check. I'll be fine.
"Lucy! Answer me!" He says he steps closer towards me.
"What..." I mutter quietly.
"One why the fuck do you have your hands on your stomach?! There's no bump there it's just fat. Two go get in the bath. I don't want you to sit on the bed like that"
I feel my leg shaking.
"Now!"

I just nod and get up and walk into the bathroom shutting the door behind me.  I turn the tap on, putting the plug in the bath. I just stare at myself in the mirror, looking down at what was once my bump.
I want Jayden.
I turn the tap off, I slowly take my well Tim's hoodie off. I fold up it nicely placing it on the side. I take my top off, then my bra placing them in the wash basket. I look down at my body that's almost covered in bruises and cuts. Some from Chris, the cuts well most of them were from me.
I sit on the edge of the bath as I slowly take my trousers and my under wear off. Wincing in pain as I do this. I'm still so tender. I noticed the blood in the pad I was given. It's like another reminder.
I sit for a second before slowly lowering myself into the bath.
Fuck. It stings. I breathe through it and just lay back into the bath.
I had the light on a lower setting, the bath was hot but not too hot, I wanted to relax just for a moment but I couldn't.
He could walk in any second. I feel my eyes getting heavy.
I wanna sleep.
It's getting harder to keep my eyes open, I know I can't fall asleep in here so I sit up. I gently wash my hair, gently scrubbing at my scalp. I rinse my hair, before gently taking the loafer and body wash. I gently scrub my body, I feel hideous. I rinse myself off and then slowly pull myself out of the bath.
I sit on the edge of the bath for a second trying to catch my breath back. I slowly lean over grabbing the towel, drying myself. I keep listening out for Chris but all I can hear is the TV show he is watching.
I grab the hair brush off the side, starting to brush my hair. I just stare endlessly at myself in the mirror. I don't even recognise myself anymore.

I grab the hoodie and I put my hand on the bathroom door handle, my hand starts shaking.
Fuck.
Come on.
I open the door and he immediately looks at me.
Straight face. Just walk to the bedroom. You can do it.
"Baby?"
"Mhm?" I say as I walk towards the bedroom. 
"Come join me when you've got into some pjs, we can watch top chef together"
"Yeah okay" I say smiling at him softly.
I swallow deeply and walk into the bedroom. I place the hoodie on the bed. I just want to go to sleep. I notice that Chris had already laid some pjs out for me so I put them on.
A long sleeve oversized jumper and a pair of clean underwear, and a pair of black leggings.
The box on the bedside table, Jaydens box is just there, I know he won't like this but I need to look in it. I need to feel connected to him. Hesitantly I open the box and look inside.
There is every scan photo we ever had taken, pictures of him, his handprint and foot prints on a little frame. I gently take each one out looking at them. A couple of tears roll down my face.
'i want you back'
'i love you baby'
I quickly place them back and fasten the box back up placing it on the bedside table.

I can't keep avoiding going back to Chris so I walk out and walk towards the sofa. He gestures for me to sit down next to him. I sit down next to him and he puts his arm out for me to lay on his chest. I just snuggle in, he strokes my hair gently as he turns top chef on. We both laugh at parts of the show and we say the odd comment to each other about things that are happening in the show but we don't actually talk.
There's almost a sense of comfort which is weird. I feel like there shouldn't be. It feels wrong to feel comfortable.

The show finishes and I sit up.
"Hey, you don't have to get up if you was comfy"
"I need to go take my tablets" I say softly.
"I'll get them" he says he gets up and walks into the kitchen. I sit back into the sofa, he walks back and hands me a cup of water. I look a little confused as to where the tablets are. "Babe?" I say softly.
"The tablets are in there, I just let them dissolve. I thought it would be easier for you"
"Yeah okay thank you" I say as I take a sip. He sits back next to me.
"I need you to listen to me Lucy." He says firmly and I turn my whole body to look at him. I keep a hold of the glass of water in my other hand.
"You may have others fooled that you're this innocent person. The one with all the trauma from your parents, I mean you had me fooled I'll give you that. The one thing that you can't fool me with is that Jayden wasn't mine was he? You thought you would get away with it. That no one would ever know" he takes one hand gripping onto my thigh, the other around my neck.
"Babe.. Jayden is yours" I mutter.
"No he's not."
I feel my heart racing. I feel sick.
"He is.."
"Lucy stop playing dumb!" He snaps as he slaps me across the face.
"Does Tim even know that Jayden was his? Or did you keep that a secret too? You're good at keeping secrets aren't you, from people you say you supposedly care about. It's funny."
Shit.
I can handle it.
"Jayden is yours babe. I swear"
"Look, I can forgive you and we can pretend this never happened on one condition"
I know I shouldn't but I just agree. It's the safer option.
I just nod.
"Good girl, now take your phone. You ring Tim you tell him that Jayden is his. That you're sorry you didn't tell him sooner. You tell him that you regret sleeping with him." He says almost chuckling. 
"Very funny" I say sarcastically.
"You think I'm joking?! That this is some sort of game to you?!" He says he tightened his grip on my neck.
"Chris..I can't..I'm not going to lie..." I tried to speak but his tight grip was making it hard to even breathe let alone speak.
"You aren't going to be lying though are you!"
I try to take his hand off my neck but this only aggravates him and he tightened his grip, getting closer to my face. I can feel every breath he takes against my face.
"YOU HAVENT LEARNED HAVE YOU!" he screams into my face, spitting at me.
Think Lucy.
Think like an officer.
You need to get out.
I look around trying to see a way out of this.
Come on.
"WHY CANT YOU SEE THAT I LOVE YOU LUCY, THAT IM PETRIFIED IM GOING TO LOOSE YOU! PLEASE, I NEED YOU TO DO THIS. I SWEAR TO YOU THINGS WILL CHANGE. I'm sorry I made you loose Jayden, it wasnt my intention I was just so hurt."
He loosens his grip of my neck, but still keeps a hold.
I can't speak, I just stare at him.
I can't see a way out of this.
I see a tear roll down his face. Shit.
"Babe..I..."
"What Lucy?"
"I'm sorry.."
"For what? Cheating on me?"
"I didn't cheat, I'm sorry for making you feel like that. I love you Chris"
"I love you Lucy. I do. I just don't want to loose you. I need you to do this for me. Please."
"Okay.." I sigh deeply. "I'll do it..but you have to promise this is all dropped afterwards..."
"I promise you babe, afterwards it's all forgotten."
"Okay, can I grab my phone?"
He passes me my phone off the table.

"Let's go stand in the kitchen, you look a little warm" he says as he puts his arm around me walking me to the kitchen.
I am warm, my feels like it's on fire. Maybe I'm just getting worked up.
"Have another sip babe it will cool you done and stop the bleeding"
I just nod and take another sip.
He removes his arm from my back, I glance at the front door debating if I would be able to make it out.
He walks to the side, I don't pay much attention to what he's doing as im so tired, in pain and I feel really warm. I just lean onto the side.
Suddenly I feel his arm back around me.
"Lucy hey, look at me" I glance at him.
"You need to ring him now and then you get to sleep hey?"
"Mhm okay" I say sleepily.
I could easily fall asleep stood here. I've never felt tiredness like it.
I dial Tims number.
Please pick up. No don't pick up. No do. I don't know.