Same but... different (Lestappen and Carlando)

Chapter 30

POV: Charles

Immediately after my brother left, I decide to call Max. I don't care if I'm bothering him or if he doesn't want to talk to me, I need to apologise properly. Not babbling incoherently while drunk like yesterday.

I want to see him too, therefore pressing the camera button. I really hope he'll pick up. The sound rings twice in my ears, and I feel my positivity gradually leaving me. But maybe he's just busy, he can't be ignoring me on purpose... can he?

Finally, I sigh as the loading circle appear on my screen. I'm afraid of how I will be received, but am ready to do anything to convince my boyfriend to trust me again and forgive me. I tried covering the mark on my neck as best as I can earlier, as he probably doesn't need the reminder.

— Hi Max, how are you? I start the conversation a bit shyly, unsure about how he's gonna react.

*— Hello Charles, can you wait a minute, I'm just going in the garden to have a little more privacy.

I agree and wait looking at the images moving around, nervously sitting on my sofa. He sounded calm just now, but I don't really know if it reassures me that much. Maybe he just doesn't want his family to hear us argue?

*— Yeah now it's okay, what's the matter? I did tell you that I wanted a bit more time right? His tone is firm, and I gulp.

— Yes, I know. And I will respect that as much as I can, but I need to apologise way more than what I did yesterday... I'm so so sorry Max, you don't know how much I regret it. My voice breaks, but I continue. I wish I never went to that club, wish I never drank that much, and... I wish you hadn't left me. I finish in a sad tone, remembering why I was in this state all along.

*— Charles, look at me please, the Dutchman suddenly says in a much softer voice, making me raise my head instantly. I noticed that you talked about this a few times now... What was the problem with me going away to see my family for a few days?

I try to supress all the panicked thoughts I had the day he left, try not to remember the lonely feeling eating me alive. But it must be written on my face, and I have to explain to Max, I promised.

— It's... complicated. I think I'm just really stupid, because every time you or anyone I like is away, I feel like my thoughts are numb, and I can't breathe normally. It's taking all the space in my brain and my heart, and I feel so lonely when that happens, it makes me feel incredibly... scared.

I carefully look at Max's face, trying to decipher his expression. Is he understanding, upset, relieved? I don't know. I've never been one to understand people's expressions well. But it looks rather positive, I think.

*— Oh love... I feel tingles in my stomach at the nickname, why didn't you tell me that before? We could've maybe found a solution, something easier than... you getting wasted and cheating on me... It hurts for me too, you know... But you're not stupid, don't say that.

I gulp and feel my eyes sting when his words leave his mouth, reminding me once again of my error. But I accept it, it's true that I could've probably avoided everything just... communicating and opening up to my partner.

— You're right, and that's part of why I'm so sorry, I just want to go in the past and change everything... You deserve so much better than a broken man like me... I say, defeated and ready to accept his next words. I am really stupid.

*— No, absolutely not. You're perfect, but a human. And every human has some "weaknesses", whatever my father can say about this. And that's also why I love you, you know. Maybe we'll argue about things, maybe our love will be put to the test, but one thing should be the most important: trust. That's why I need you to act accordingly with your words, you can't say you love me and let a girl kiss you right after. That's unfair, to me, to you, to us.