Oh, The Things I Want To Do: (And The Things I Never Will)

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by Gamersrule2786

by Gamersrule2786

October 27, 2023 1:34pm - 2:05pm

I want to get to know someone and have them get to know me without any barriers. Without anything else getting in the way. I want to get to know someone and have them get to know me without any of our walls or defence mechanisms getting in the way. I want to get to know someone so deeply, so intricately, and vise versa, that it's like our insides, our souls, are intertwined. I want to sit down with someone, leaning against the living room wall, and connect with a stranger to the point where we will know the most raw, secretive parts of each other.

But society isn't built like that. People don't just tell you everything there is to know about them. There's rules for things like that. You have to take it slowly. Get to know people slowly. But why? Why can't I just jump right in? I want to dive right in. I want to be able to form relationships so unshakable, that nothing can break us apart; and I don't want to have to wait forever to do it. I want to be able to be my raw, unfiltered self, with someone who I know COULD judge me, knows EVERY part of me, yet choses not to. I want to be able to speak my mind with someone and have them do the same, regardless of if they think it might hurt my feelings, so long as we are being respectful.

I want to sit against the cold wall of a living room foreign to us—a hotel, most likely—and know what it's like to breathe for the first time. To unburden myself of everything I've ever held onto, and never feel burdened by it again. To know that this former stranger, this person I didn't even know existed, or perhaps never properly noticed existed, and know that they are breathing for the first time too. I want to know what its like to live without having to worry about confining myself to other peoples' expectations on what I SHOULD be—even though we all know I never will be—while I'm in the presence of someone else.

I want to sit somewhere unfamiliar to the both of us, as we trudge through unrecognizable places together. Places within ourselves that we never dared venture to because it wasn't something we were ever shown, ever taught, ever saw. I want us to sit side by side next to each other, our next relationship—each side by side to blank slates, ready to be filled, coloured in—and I want for us to scribble OUTSIDE the lines. To create our own lines. Hell, we won't even have lines.

I want to get to know someone to the point where devastated wouldn't even begin to describe how either one of us would feel if one of us were to pass. How absolutely gut-wrenching it would be to lose each other. To the point where losing each other would feel like losing a part of ourselves; and it would be. We would exist within each other, and outside of society, somewhere it would never reach us. Our thoughts would be slowly liberated of every thing that ever plagued it and we would each be free of everything that ever sunk it's teeth into us.

But most of all, I want someone I trust enough to know the parts of me I don't even show to myself, and be privileged and trusted enough that I get to observe the same parts of them.

And to think, all of this started with the single intrusive thought of getting high with a stranger—a first date, maybe—and just sitting up against the living room wall, talking to each other for hours until the weed wore off. Until our defences came back online. And hopefully by then, the damage would already be done.