Pleas of Futility

I should've been there for you

June 13, 2023 1:19pm - July 24, 2023 8:03pm

I should have been there for you. I should've been there for you the first time that you cried. I should've held you in my arms and rocked you in my arms until you fell asleep. Should've held your hand as we crossed the road, and helped you up whenever you fell to the ground. I should've been there. Whenever you were upset, angry, happy, even.

I should have been there for you, and I was. But you know what, you should have been there for me.

Cause the truth is I was there. I was there when you were being bullied. I chased him through the halls with a god damn stapler; and I was there when you skinned your god damn knees, hell I skinned mine to match so you wouldn't feel alone. I held your hand as you crossed the road, even when she was, and I wiped your bloody nose after beating up the kid who hurt you.

But what about me? What about when I was hurt? Or when I was scared? Yeah, you were there. When it suited you. Yeah, you were there. Sometimes.

What about when I came out at school? Cause you sure as hell weren't there for me then, quite the opposite actually. How about when I came out at home? I may have you to thank for that but I sure as hell don't thank you for the way it came out. It should've been my choice and you forced it out of me. Right after calling me blasphemous slurs that still haunt the dreams I can't block out as I sleep.

How about every time you ever told me that I'd never have any friends? That I was weird? That no one could ever love me—no one would ever love me—because I was different? Because of something I couldn't control? Or when you told me I was never there for you? That I never had been.

And for every time you did...

Where the hell were you?