Life Without You

39

"I didn't want to fall in love, not at all. But at some point you smiled, and holy shit, I blew it."

* * *

Dad and Ella dropped me off at Sam's house on the way to Ella's doctor's appointment. I didn't have to explain to them what I was doing because when I asked if they could drop me off there it was obvious they both already knew. When I stepped out of the car Ella rolled down her window. "Good luck." She said from the car as she smiled at me.

Dad leaned forward so I could see him too. "Call me if you need me to come get you, okay?"

I nodded before turning around and walking up to Sam's front door. I took a deep breath as I raised my fist and knocked. I could hear the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door. The lock clicked and the door was pulled open.

A tall man stood on the other side of the door. He looked a lot like Abby so I immediately assumed he was her father. Sam had told me that his step father was a cop which explained the intimidating demeanor that the man had.

"Hi, I'm Sierra. I was wondering if Sam was home."

"Oh, yes, Sierra." He nodded with a smile. "Come on in, he's just up in his room."

Sam's step father held the door open a little wider so that I could step inside. I took off my shoes and ran a nervous hand through my hair. "Do you know where his room is?"

I nodded, my mind instantly going to the night where I spent the night in his bed.

I walked up the stairs and to Sam's room. Though I had only ever been there once, I knew exactly which door led to his bedroom. The door was open and I could see him sitting at his desk staring at his computer. He wasn't typing anything, just looking at it.

My heart beat rapidly in my chest. "Hi." I said my voice soft but Sam heard me.

He spun in his chair, turning his body so he could see me in his doorway. "Sierra." He said, like he was reminding himself he was looking at me. He stood up fast like he was gonna start running toward me but once he was on his feet he stopped himself. "What are you doing here?" He asked but it wasn't in a mean way, he just seemed surprised. I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.

"I wanted to talk to you." I said, trying to sound confident.

Sam paused for a second as he tried to figure out what exactly was going on. Finally he nodded, "Okay, what do you want to talk about." Sam moved over to his bed and I followed, sitting down next to him.

"I need to tell you everything." Sam opened his mouth to speak but I stopped him before he could. "Just let me get this all out before you say anything." Sam seemed to be fighting with himself on the inside. Finally he sighed and nodded his head for me to continue.

"The day after my sixteenth birthday my mom died in a car accident. It was her fault. She'd been on a bunch of drugs and she ran a red light. She almost killed a young couple who were about to have a kid. It-"

"You don't have to tell me this." Sam cut me off, concerned.

"I do, Sam. Alex told me you were the one who found me and you deserve to know what happened and why." I told him and he twitched when I mentioned him finding me. "You deserve to know everything. And honestly I deserve to say it. I need to say this to someone because if I don't I'm only going to be hurting myself and I want the person I tell to be you."

"I want that too." He said. Then he did that thing teachers made you do as kid to get you to stay quiet. Zip it, lock it and throw away the key. He did each motion before he finally took his invisible key and threw it across the room. I could help but laugh at how childish it was. Sam nodded at me to continue a small smile creeping on his lips as well.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to tell him. "After my mom died Amber, my sister, was given custody over me. She had to drop out of school so she could work full time and I barely went to school because I worked a lot too. We were really struggling, Amber kept hiding the eviction notices but I always found them.

One night we went to a party that Amber heard about from one of her work friends. Amber had just mentioned it at dinner, not planning on actually going but I said we should. She'd been so stressed lately I thought it would be good if we went and had some fun. We got to the party and we were having a really good time. That's where we met Aaron. He started hitting on Amber and she fell for every lie he told her. I did too.

Eventually we moved in with Aaron since we couldn't afford to live in our apartment anymore. It didn't take long after we moved in for Aaron to start abusing Amber. He never did it in front of me but I knew it was happening. I wanted her to leave him but she thought we were relying on him which wasn't even true because she was the one always working. She worked even more when we lived with Aaron than when we were by ourselves.

Amber was working late one night and I was in bed trying to get some sleep. I heard Aaron get home from hanging out with his friends. He was loud when he stumbled in all drunk and high like he usually did. But every other night he went straight to his own room. This night he didn't. He-"

I cut myself off. Despite already telling the police and my father what happened that night it was still hard to tell Sam. And I didn't know why.

Sam placed his hand on top of mine. He spoke softly, "He what, Sierra?"

"He raped me." My eyes got all watery and I didn't try to stop it when a single tear spilled down my cheek.

I looked up at Sam to try and see what he was thinking. He looked shocked, like that was the last thing he expected me to say.

"He raped you?"

I nodded, wiping the water from my cheeks. "That's why he shot me, he thought I was going to rat him out to the police or something and get him in trouble."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, his voice filled with pain and I hated it. I didn't want to hurt Sam.

"I was scared. I told Amber what happened and she killed herself two weeks later. I've always thought she did it because of me. I told myself I would take it to the grave."

"You don't still think that do you?" He asked and he stared into my eyes like he was staring into my soul.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well you shouldn't." Sam picked both my hands up, interlocking out fingers. "Amber didn't die because of anything you did. She died because Aaron was a monster. You were the thing keeping her alive, Sierra, not the thing that was killing her. Okay?"

I nodded, my vision blurry from all my tears. "Okay."

Sam leaned in, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. My head fell on his shoulder as he held me against him.

"I didn't leave until the doctor told me you were stable." He said, suddenly, before pulling back and looking at me. "I thought you should know that. I didn't just leave."

"You didn't call, either." I told him like it was something he didn't know.

"I didn't think you'd want me to."

"Of course I wanted you to."

"Why?"

I looked at him, confused. "Why? Because you're my best friend Sam. I needed you. Everyday I was in the hospital all I wanted was for you to visit me and give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed you and you never came." I said, swallowing the lump in my throat as I spoke.

"And I hate that I did that. I thought you would get mad if I called, after what happened that night at your house I thought you'd never want to talk to me again."

I shook my head. "I would rather be just your friend than nothing to you at all."

"I don't want to be just friends."

"But you said-"

"I know what I said, but I was wrong. I have a problem with self sabotaging. I've had feelings for you for so long and the minute you tell me you feel it too, I push you away. But I'm done doing that. I really really like you, Sierra and I want to kiss you right now."

"Then do it." I said.

And he did.

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