Life Without You

9

"The right people hear you differently."

* * *

I walked into tutoring exactly on time and completely sober. I needed Sam to believe that I was actually working hard. Because the only thing I needed more than that was to get as far away from here as possible and Sam was the only way to get there.

    "Sierra." Sam smiled as he said my name and I couldn't tell if he was happy that I was on time or just because I had shown up.

I nodded my head in response and sat down in the seat across from him. Sam stared at me like he was waiting for me to say something but there wasn't anything to say so I kept my lips shut.

"So, I was looking at your grades from this year and in the past and-"

"You have that stuff?" I questioned. How was he allowed to look at my file and if he already had seen my grades what else did he know about me? I felt my lungs constrict as just the thought.

"Uh, yeah, Principal Wong gave them to me." My thoughts must have been displayed on my face because Sam continued to talk. "They're just your grades, Sierra." he looked at me worriedly but I was relieved because that meant he didn't know about...everything else.

"Anyway, it seems you've been struggling in math the most throughout the years and I know there is a big test coming up in Trig so I was thinking we would start with that." Sam pulled a blue binder out of his backpack and placed it on the table. He opened it up and started flipping through the pages. "I think it would be best to focus on each individual test at a time. I asked Wong to give me a syllabus for each of your classes so I can see when each of your tests are until the end of the semester."

I watched as Sam flipped and flipped through the binder until he eventually stopped and turned the binder so it was facing me. "This test is on one of the simpler units." Sam points to one long word that was italicized at the top of the paper in front of me. "Soh-cah-toa." He said slowly making sure to pronounce each letter. "If you memorize that this will be a lot easier. The first part of the word, 'soh' means, sine equals opposite over hypotenuse. We will focus on that one first."

Sam continued to explain how the sine formula worked but almost everything he said went right over my head. I didn't know what the heck "sine" meant nor did I know how to find the hypotenuse of a triangle.

I always knew I wasn't very smart but I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I had been scribbling equations for the past half an hour constantly getting each practice problem wrong before Sam would tell me the correct answer and try to explain it to me. At the moment I was trying to figure out the area of a triangle with an angle of 32 degrees and a side length of 12.

Sam seemed to notice I was getting frustrated because he gently took the calculator I had been angrily fumbling with and pulled it out of my hands. "You have to simplify the equation before you put in your calculator. Instead of putting it in as sine of 32 equals x over 12 put it in as 12 multiplied by sine of 32."

It sounded like he was speaking another language and I was becoming extremely tired of trying to understand what he was saying.

"That is what I'm doing." I said, trying to stay calm.

"X over 12 isn't a correct fraction because x is a variable if you multiply the entire equation by 12 then-"

"I said, that's what I'm doing!" I snapped and Sam quickly stopped talking. I was sure whatever Sam was saying was right but I also had no idea what he was saying. I just wanted to be done with all this stupid math. "None of this makes any sense and it's just a bunch of bullshit I'm done with math and I'm done with this fucking tutoring session!"  I stood from my seat as I threw my backpack over my shoulder but before I could walk out Sam grabbed my wrist.

"You're smart, Sierra." Sam said it slowly, his voice steady and strong. "Everyone has their weaknesses. I mean, you should have seen me in English. I couldn't write a poem to save my life. But then I took some extra writing classes during the summer and I worked really hard on my poetry and now I'm going to be an English major."

"You write poetry." I asked, raising my eyebrows. I didn't see it. He looked more like the kind of kid who would be drafted in the military the moment he graduated.

"Yes, poetry." Sam chuckled but then his eyes got serious. "My point is just because something is hard for you right now doesn't mean it will be forever. You just have to push through all the shit first." For some reason I got the feeling he wasn't just talking about math.

When I didn't respond he made sure to add, "Plus if you walk out now there's no way you're getting to Florida." I felt my heart sink to my stomach as he reminded me of our deal.

"Fine." I said and sat back down. Sam smiled triumphantly and I glared at him in response.

"For the rest of the time we can move to something easier. Let's just write out the equations and then we can start plugging them into the calculator tomorrow."  Sam decided and I was relieved to know that it wouldn't be hard as before. The second half an hour was easier than the first and Sam made sure to explain each step slowly and thoroughly until I completely understood. Sam never raised his voice or yelled at me when I wasn't understanding what he was saying. He even stayed calm during the many times that I snapped at him. Most of all he really wanted to help me. He wasn't just tutoring me because he had been asked to, he really wanted to see me pass my trig test and by the end of our session a small part of me wanted to pass too.

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