Life Without You

25 - Sam

"If someone makes you feel, let them."

* * *

My heart hadn't slowed down since I heard Sierra say she didn't want to live anymore. I had thought Sierra might be depressed but I hadn't thought she was suicidal. I mean I knew Sierra could get really sad but I had also seen her smile really hard. I just thought she had a lot of shit going on in her life, but I didn't think it was life threatening.

I didn't let Sierra hang up the phone this time as I drove in my car to go get her. Instead I listened to her let out strangled sob over the phone and tried my best to soothe her. "I'll be there soon, just try to breathe." She started to take in short shaky breaths and every time she tried to let them out the sound of them getting caught in her throat echoed through the car's speakers.

"That was a good one!" I praised her as she finally was able to take a good deep breath. "Now keep doing that."

"O-k-kay." She said, sniffling before she continued taking deep breaths.

Moments later I spotted the alley Sierra had described to me and I pulled over. "I'm here." I told her as I reached out for my door handle with shaking hands. As I walked around my car and stepped on to the curb I spotted Sierra walking out from the alley. Her skin was pale, her hair wasn't brushed, and her eyes were red from crying.

When her eyes locked with mine a whimper left her throat and she ran toward me. She wrapped her arms around me, stuffed her face in my chest, and sobbed into me. I squeezed her tightly against me and stroked my hand through her hair. "It's okay, Sierra. I'm right here. I'm right here."

I wanted her to tell me what the hell was going on but I didn't ask. Instead I continued to try and calm her down as she cried into my sweatshirt. Eventually her sobs slowed to soft breathing and we just stood there in silence as she held onto me for dear life.

Slowly, I brought my hands to her shoulders and pulled her back so I could look at her. I leaned my head down so she was looking into my eyes as I spoke. "You're going to be okay, Sierra. You hear me? Everything is going to be just fine."

She nodded but I couldn't tell if she believed me or not. "Come on." I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and leading her to the car. "Let's get out of here." I opened the passenger door for her before walking around the car and getting in the driver's seat.

I decided to take her back to the diner. When I was younger my mom would take me there when I was upset and it had always helped. Plus, ice cream might not fix everything but it sure as hell helped a lot.

I parked and we walked inside, immediately finding the booth that we always sat in. Sierra didn't even look at the menu, instead she stared down fiddling with her hands, so when the waitress came up and asked for our orders I took the liberty to order for her. "Can we get a banana split and the raspberry sundae, please?"

"Of course!" the waitress smiled before taking our menus and walking to the kitchen to give them our order.

"Principal Wong emailed me." I said, trying to get her attention. "She said she's really impressed with your progress."

Sierra's eyes locked with mine but as soon as they did she looked away. "I failed my chemistry test last week."

I already knew this. Principal Wong had emailed me about that too, but I wasn't planning on telling Sierra that.

"It's only one test. We'll focus on chemistry in tutoring this week. No big deal."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

The question caught me off guard and for a second I didn't know what to say.

"Because I think you're a good person and I'm nice to good people." None of what I said was a lie and yet somehow Sierra looked like she didn't believe me.

"I'm not a good person, Sam." She was talking to me but she was lost in her mind at the same time.

"Yes you are." I told her and I hated that she didn't agree. Sierra was a good person, the only person she was ever mean to was herself.

"You don't know what I did." She said and she looked like she was going to start crying.

I didn't have to contemplate whether or not I was going to say what I said next. I knew she needed to hear it. She needed to know that no one was perfect. "I assaulted some kid that went to my old school." She met my eyes this time and I watched as they widened at my words.

"He said something shitty, I don't even remember what it was. I wasn't even that mad at him, I was just angry in general. Anyway it was off campus and the police got called. The guy was in the hospital for a few days and he decided to press charges. Two weeks before that happened I got in a fight with someone else and the cops had been called then too. Because it was so bad and I had just done the same thing two weeks before I was sentenced to juvie for six weeks."

"Why were you so mad?" She asked and though I was expecting the question it took me a second to get the answer out.

"I saw my dad cheating on my mom with his assistant and when I confronted him about it he told me that I should keep my mouth shut because someday I was going to be just like him."

I had never told anyone that before and I had to admit it was nice to say out loud. It felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders and I hadn't even realized it was there.

Sierra shook her head. "He's just mad because he knows you're a much better person than him."

"I know that, at least now I do. At first I just kept seeming to prove him right." I told her. "My point is everyone makes mistakes. Whatever you did, it's in the past. You have to let it go."

"It's not that easy."

"I never said it was, and you don't have to do it right now. But you can't hold on to it forever."

"What do I do now?"

"You eat ice cream." As if on cue the waitress came back with our sundaes, setting them down in front of each of us. I picked up my spoon and took a bite of my banana split. "It's really good, you want some?" I offered the spoon to her, a big slice of banana sitting on it.

She scrunched her nose in disgust but I could tell she was biting back a smile. "No thanks, I'll stick to the raspberry."

I shrugged. "Suit yourself."

I knew it would take time to help Sierra, but I wasn't going to give up on her and I definitely wasn't going to let her give up on herself.

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