Life Without You

3

"I want to go back to a time before it was too late"

* * *

School in Boston was so much different than school in Philly.

School in Philly consisted of smoking in the bathroom and skipping class.

School in Boston consisted of...none of that.

Here most kids hurried to get to class before the bell. They spent their free periods in the library studying. There was so much more laughing too. Sure, kids laughed back in Philly. Laughed at people. Here they laughed in groups about inside jokes or something funny that had happened in class. Here they complained about school work instead of simply not doing it. They wore nice clothes and did their hair. These kids were like the ones you saw in movies with perfect lives and happy endings

I hated them.

This was the conclusion I had made by the time the bell rang at the end of third period. Fourth period was my lunch hour and since I had no intention of going to lunch I went outside and leaned against the brick wall of the school. Normally when I felt like this I'd just leave but I didn't have a car and even if I did I wouldn't know where to go.

I pulled a cigarette and lighter out of the pocket of my hoodie. I had stuffed it in there this morning knowing I would probably need it. I lit the end of the cigarette, inhaling it before blowing it out. I knew if my father found out I had a box of cigarettes he'd be furious and maybe I would have cared if things were different. But they weren't so I didn't.

I used to smoke with my sister on the roof of our apartment all the time. You weren't really supposed to be up there but no one ever told us we had to come down. We'd hang our feet over the edge of the building, passing the cigarette back and forth as we talked. About nothing. About everything.

I closed my eyes, inhaled again and imagined that's where I was right now. Sitting on the roof, Amber right beside me. I pretended that I could hear her laugh at something I said. She'd throw her head back and the soft sound left her mouth, so perfect, so beautiful. She'd nudge her shoulder into mine and I'd lose my balance and for a second I'd be scared I was going to fall off the side of the building but then I'd remember Amber would never let me fall.

When I opened my eyes again and turned to my side I almost expected her to be standing there staring at me. But she wasn't there. She never would be.

So I brought the cigarette to my lips again.

I didn't know how long I was out there. For far longer than just my lunch period I assumed. Maybe it was bad that I was already skipping class on the first day. Maybe I should have been listening to my father and actually trying to graduate. Maybe the numbness I felt had nothing to do with my grief at all. Maybe it was just how I was going to feel for the rest of my life.

Maybe.

"I didn't know anyone else knew about this spot." The voice startled me and I jumped. I turned to look over at a tall boy wearing a tight red t-shirt that showed his muscles and saggy ripped jeans. His arms displayed several tattoos and he held a cigarette between his fingers.

He laughed when I jumped. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay." I said, taking a step away from the wall. "I was just leaving so you can have it to yourself." I dropped my cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with my foot to put it out.

"It's not a problem. I enjoy having company anyway. Stay."

I didn't want to stay. I wanted to be alone, somewhere quiet where I didn't have to talk to anyone. "Okay."

The boy sat down on the floor and pulled his own cigarette out. Before holding one out to me. I took it as I slowly sat down beside him. I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs before I let the boy light my cigarette.

He lit his own cigarette. "I'm Alex, by the way."

I looked over at him when he said this, getting a good look at him and I think my heart stopped beating at that moment because he looked just like him. And when I looked at him all the oxygen from my lungs disappeared and I choked on the smoke that was floating through the air.

"Woah! You okay?" Alex asked as he patted my back. I nodded my head even though I was anything but okay. My heart started beating just as fast as it had stopped and it was pounding against my rib cage. The loss of oxygen in my lungs made my chest feel tight and my choking turned into wheezing because of how much I couldn't breath. I pulled my knees tighter to my chest as Alex's eyes widened and he moved to crouch in front of me. He placed his hands on both of my knees and gave them a comforting squeeze. "Hey, talk to me. What's happening?"

I felt like I was trapped in a room where the walls were closing in on me yet when I looked around I could see I was outside. My inability to breathe was becoming even harder and my hands shook as I reached up to grab Alex's arms.

"I c-can't," my chest became even tighter. "Br-breath."

He nodded. "I think you're having a panic attack, just try to relax."

Relax? How could I possibly relax?

"What's your name?" He asked, calmly and I looked at him like he was crazy.

That was really what he was thinking about right now? My name?

"Come on," he said. "What's your name?"

"Uh...uh." I was finding it incredibly difficult to speak. "Si-sierra." I finally managed to breath out.

"That's a really pretty name." He said smiling. "Do you like your name?"

"I-I guess."

"You're new here, right?" I nodded. "Cool, where are you from?"

"Philadelphia." I noticed that the more he asked me questions the less I felt like walls were caving in on me. And as my breath slowly went back to normal I realized just because he had the same long curly blonde hair and brown eyes and he had tattoos and he liked to smoke didn't make him him. "Thanks for...that."

"Anytime, Sierra."

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