Life Without You

29

"A memory is a star, or a stain."

* * *

I can still remember the day my sister died. I'd been leaning over the toilet in Aaron's half bath. I felt like I was going to be sick but I hadn't eaten anything so instead I dry heaved into the toilet bowl.

"Sierra?" Amber called. "Are you in the bathroom?"

In an attempt to hide from my sister I stayed silent but Amber always knew when something was wrong so when I didn't respond she opened the door and walked in. "Oh my God! Are you okay?" Amber rushed to my side, kneeling down next to the toilet.

"I'm fine. I'm just sick." I lied, I wasn't okay in the slightest.

"Do you think it's food poisoning?" She asked and I wanted to tell her that that was impossible. I wanted to tell her it couldn't be food poisoning because I hadn't eaten in days.

Instead I nodded and said, "Maybe." But Amber had already scratched the idea, looking into the toilet and realizing I hadn't been throwing anything up. "But it doesn't look like any food's coming out. So that can't be it."

All the sudden the sound of the front door swinging open echoed through the apartment. Amber and I both went tense at the noise. We shouldn't have though. It was wrong that we always felt so scared in our own home. The thought of Aaron being there made me pull myself over the toilet and start gagging again. Amber held my hair back while I tried so hard to throw up.

I wanted that feeling you get when you throw up while drunk. When you vomit all the poison in your system and you're left with relief. I wanted that. I wanted to vomit out all the bad things in my life. The things that wouldn't leave my mind. I wanted to throw up all of last night so I never had to think about it again.

But I couldn't do that so instead I leaned back and tried really hard not to cry. I swear I did. But the sob was spilling from my throat before I could stop myself.

"Sierra what's wrong?" Amber asked and something about her voice made me want to spill my guts to her. I knew if she asked again I would tell her. And she knew it too. "Sierra, please. Tell me."

"Aaron raped me last night."

I don't know how I kept my voice so calm when I said those words. It shouldn't have been possible. But it didn't matter that it was because it didn't help keep Amber stay calm. She broke down at the sound of my words.

"Oh my God, oh my God," she repeated over and over shaking her head.

"Amber, it's okay."

"How can you say that?" She screamed. "This is all my fault I brought us here, I did this." She said to herself more than to me and I knew that was the moment I killed my sister.

Right there while we sat on the bathroom tile. Right there with my fingers interlocked with hers. That was when my sister died. Not two weeks later when she shot herself in our bedroom. No, she died right there. Right in front of me.

"Amber! What's going on?" Aaron's voice called out and Amber jumped to her feet. She reached behind me and pulled the top of the toilet's tank off before reaching inside and pulling out a gun.

"Amber, what are you doing?" I panicked but Amber ignored me, turning toward the doorway that Aaron was now standing in. His hands immediately flew up.

"Woah, Amber, calm down." He said as he stared at the gun Amber was pointing at him.

"Leave! Now!" Amber screamed so loud that I almost covered my ears. "I'm not fucking kidding Aaron! Get out!"

"Amber put the gun down and we can talk about this."

"No." Amber shook her head as she sobbed. "It's one thing to put your hands on me but you can not touch my sister. Now leave!"

Aaron's eyes switched to me a murderous glare on his face but then he looked at the gun pointed at his chest. "Fuck you!" Aaron shouted, storming out of the apartment and I actually thought that once he was gone, things were finally going to go back to normal.

How naive was I?

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