Life Without You

24

'I'll never be that me again."

* * *

I'd been lying awake in bed since Dad first knocked on my door telling me to come down for breakfast at eight. He had since come back two more times and he'd sounded more annoyed each time he came to my room. I had already decided that I wouldn't be getting out of bed but as I heard the sound of my father knocking on my door for the fourth time that morning I got the feeling he had different plans. "Sierra, I'm done being patient. Open this door."

"Go away!" I replied as I turned over in my bed, pulling the blankets around me.

"I'm coming in." he said, doing exactly what I didn't want him to do. I heard the sound of my door being opened but I didn't turn back over. "You need to get up, Sierra."

"I'm good." I said, still not looking at him.

""I'm tired of you completely ignoring me all the time. I'm trying to help you but you don't seem to care."

His words were filled with rage. Who was he to say that about me, what about him? "I'm ignoring you? I don't care about you?" I sat up when I spoke this time, hissing through my teeth as I talked. "What about the eight years you left me? What about when you abandoned me and Mom and Amber and came here to start a whole new life without us? Or even the three years before you left us and were constantly drinking and disappearing on us, what about that, huh? Do you really think you have the right to get mad at me? I should be mad at you, I should hate you, I do hate you." By the end of my rant I was yelling and fuming with anger. The exhaustion I had felt just minutes ago was gone and my veins were filled with adrenaline.

"I'm trying to make up for that. I apologized hundreds of times, Sierra."

"It doesn't matter how many times you tell me you're sorry. You still did it, Dad. I can't just get over it."

"So you're just never going to forgive me?" He asked glaring at me. "After everything I've done for you. Got you into school, given you a place to stay, what else do you need?"

"I needed a father for eleven fucking years!"

"I'm here now." He said, his voice turning soft.

"It's a little too late now." I bit out.

I got out of bed and pushed past him as I stormed out of my room. "Where are you going?" My father called after me but I ignored him as I threw the front door open and slammed it closed, stepping out into the fresh air. I didn't know where I was going but I kept on walking anyway.

The farther I walked the larger the lump in my throat grew. I wanted to cry so badly that it physically hurt. I had been keeping all my emotions locked up inside of me and all the sudden they were spilling out.

My vision was blurry with tears as I walked down the sidewalk. My calves burned as I picked up speed and when I spotted an alleyway I turned into it. My knees gave out and I dropped onto the ground, my back leaning against the wall. My chest became tight and I was finding it difficult to breathe. All I wanted was to not have to feel anything.

I wanted to be numb.

My hands were moving before I could stop them.

The phone only rang for a second.

And then I heard, "Sierra?" just like he'd said the last time I called him.

"I need the pills back." I was saying things before I could think them through. My voice was breaking as I spoke and tears began to stream down my cheeks. "Please, Sam. I need them." I begged and I really felt like I did. I didn't think I could handle feeling like this anymore.

I needed to be numb.

"You don't need the pills. I'm sorry but I can't give them back to you." He said and I hated him for saying that I hated him for taking away the one thing that actually made me feel okay. I hated him because I couldn't actually hate him for any of that. Because he was the only person who was ever actually there for me.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore." I sobbed and I didn't even try to stop it. I wondered what Amber felt when she finally did it. If the same thoughts that went through my head went through hers. I wanted to know if she had someone to call like I had someone to call. I wanted to know why she never called me. She always said she never blamed me but that didn't mean she meant it.

"Feel like what, Sierra?"

"Like I don't want to live anymore."

The words slipped out of my lips before I could stop them. I had tried to push the feeling into the back of my head, hoping it would just go away. But obviously it hadn't worked because I had just told Sam my darkest thought.

I wanted to die.

Sam was silent for what felt like a long time. Eventually I heard a voice through the phone. "Where are you right now? I'm coming to pick you up." 

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