Life Without You

22

"You're never coming back and I am honestly trying my hardest to be okay with that." 

* * *

I'm in that place between sleep and reality again. The place where everything is normal and the only bad thing that's ever happened to me is the death of my absent mother. Here, my sister still lives. And she's happy too. In this world, that only exists in the small moment before I'm fully awake, my sister never met Aaron and I never went through the worst night of my life

But like I said, it only lasts for a moment.

And then I'm up.

My body felt stiff as I pulled myself into a sitting position. My eyes wandered around the room I was in and I remembered how I ended up in Sam's bed.

My mind immediately goes to Aaron.

He knows where I live.

I didn't know how he figured it out but it didn't matter. He could find me whenever he wanted now.

There was nowhere to hide.

The thought sent chills down my body and before I knew it I was pulling myself out of Sam's bed and my feet were touching the ground. Slowly, I opened the door and started to make my way down the hallway. I didn't know what time it was or how long I had been sleeping for but almost all the lights in the house were out and it was dark when I looked out the window.

I decided to try and find the kitchen because I had somewhat of an idea of where it was from when I was there a week ago. I tried to stay quiet in case anyone was sleeping and as I tiptoed through the house I noticed a light coming from the direction I believed the kitchen was in. When I got a little closer I heard voices.

"You have got to tell me what's going on here, Sam. You can't just leave a girl sleeping in your room and think you won't have to explain it to me." I heard Sam's mom whisper.

"Whatever you think is going on, I promise it's not that." Sam muttered in response.

"I'm not thinking about anything, Sam. I really have no idea what you are up to, but after everything last year I'm not letting you keep any more secrets from me."

"It's nothing bad, Mom, I swear. I'm not getting into anymore trouble." 

"You say that but how do I know you're telling the truth?"

"I'm telling the truth."

"Sam?" I stepped out into the kitchen light. I didn't want Sam to get in trouble because of me and it seemed that letting them know I was there was the only way to help him. Or at least postpone the inevitable.

"Sierra, you're awake." Sam said getting up from where he was sitting at the kitchen table and walking over to me. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." I wasn't and I wasn't going to be ever again. "I think I should go home now, my dad is probably worried."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked and I knew he was thinking about all those texts he had seen from Aaron. The ones of him screaming at me to open my door and let him in. I wished Sam hadn't seen those because it made pretending Aaron didn't exist so much harder.

"Yeah, I'm sure." I nodded.

"Okay, I'll take you home then."

I glanced at Grace over Sam's shoulder. She had a sad expression on her face as she looked at me. Like she knew all the horrible things in my life and she pitied me for it. "Go home and get some sleep, sweetheart. You look tired." She said but I knew no matter how much sleep I got that night I would still be tired in the morning.

Instead of telling her this, I gave her a tight lipped smile before I followed Sam out to his car. As I lowered myself into the passenger seat I looked over at Sam who stared out the windshield. He looked tired too, but not the kind of tired his mother believed could be cured with sleep. He looked tired like the kind of tired I was. It was like I was spreading my sadness to the people around me like a disease. I knew I was the reason he felt that way. It was my fault. Just like everything always was.

I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to do. He deserved to know something. All my secrets were obviously hurting him more than I thought they would. He cared more than I thought he did.

So I took in a deep breath, let it out, and spoke. "My sister killed herself two months ago. Her name was Amber."

It was the first time I had said her name since I had told the cops what had happened and I felt my entire body seize as I said it.

Sam's head whipped in my direction and I could tell he was caught off guard by my words. "That's horrible, Sierra. I'm really sorry." he said and he sounded like he meant it.

I sucked in my lips as tears threatened to start pouring down my face. I took in a shaky breath before I spoke again. "The worst part is I know she did it because of me."

"Hey," Sam scooted as close to me as he could in the small space of his car. He tilted his head down and forced me to meet his eyes. "It was not your fault."

I knew he was going to say that. Everyone says that. His words made me doubt that he was any different than everyone else. Just another person who didn't understand what happened. Another person who didn't understand me. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. My throat felt like it was closing. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"You can't say that. You don't know what happened." My voice cracked as I spoke and I took it as the universe telling me to stop talking. It's pointless, the universe said, it doesn't help, it only makes you cry.

"Maybe if you tell me what happened I can try and understand." Sam said but I was done talking so I pulled my eyes away from him as I brought my knees to my chest, curling up into a ball.

I did not cry.

When Sam realized I wasn't going to say anything else he sighed and started the car. Just like the ride to Sam's house neither of us spoke and I stared out the window counting each street lamp as we passed to somehow make the quick ride home quicker. When he finally pulled into my driveway I muttered a quick "thank you for the ride home" and hurried out of the car and into the house.

I walked straight up to my room, pulled myself under the covers, and did not get a bit of sleep.

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