Life Without You

20

"I don't pay attention to the world ending. It had ended for me many times and began again in the morning." 

* * *

It had been a week since Sam showed me the clearing on the cliff. Whenever I started to feel anxious about Aaron I would think about how it felt to be up there. I closed my eyes and pretended I was breathing in the smell of the ocean. The soothing mixture of sea salt and flowers. Just the thought of being back there made the ache in my chest fade away.

I had gone to try and find some Advil for the headache I had been fighting all day. My head had been pounding since the moment I woke up and I had spent the majority of the day in bed with an ice pack laying over the right side of my head. The store was walking distance from my house and after four hours of agonizing pain I decided it was time to get some medication.

I had brought Grace's pills with me for backup. If they didn't have anything or if the Advil didn't work I would use them to at least numb my body for a little bit.

The pills clicked against the bottle in the pocket of my sweatshirt, teasing me. I couldn't get them out of my head. I wanted them so bad but I knew that I shouldn't. It was wrong.

But when did I do anything right?

I spotted the convenience store ahead of me and just as I was about to walk inside my phone vibrated in my pocket. I had been getting a lot of texts recently. The majority being ones I didn't want to read but I'd been doing it anyway. Aaron texted me constantly, pointing out every reason why I was to blame for Amber's death.

And I forced myself to read them all.

Every night I laid in bed and read every text Aaron sent me that day because I deserved it. Aaron might have been a horrible person but he wasn't wrong; it was my fault. And I should have to suffer for it.

But when I read the text it was different from the other ones.

Unknown- Answer your door, Sierra.

My heart started to beat rapidly in my chest as I looked back in the direction of my house. I couldn't see it from here but I felt like I could. I could picture Aaron standing outside my house, pounding on the door, screaming for me to let him in so he could kill me like I killed her. I could hear his voice in my head loud and clear. It felt too real. Like he was right there standing in front of me screaming his head off.

But he wasn't.

And the only person near me was the woman I saw through the window of the convenience store staring at me in concern.

Unknown- OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

And I was off. Sprinting in the opposite direction of my house. I ran down the sidewalk, people's heads whipping in my direction as I passed by them. My phone started ringing. He was calling me. He was fucking calling me.

I didn't stop running until I knew that he'd given up. When he did I collapsed on to a bench, my eyes filling with tears. I looked at my phone and pretended I didn't see all the missed calls I had and instead I went straight to Sam's contact.

The phone only rang once before he picked up.

"Sierra?" his voice said through the phone.

"Sam." my voice cracks. "I need help."

"Where are you? What's going on?" he said, panicked as I heard him get up from wherever he was.

"I don't know where I am and I can't go home and I just don't want to be alone right now."

"Okay, I'm getting in the car." I heard his car door closing and I knew he was telling the truth. "Do you see anything around you that might help me figure out where you are?"

"There's a playground with a really long yellow slide and lots of swings." I told him as I stared at the children riding down the slide with their hands in the air.

"I know where you are, just stay there. I'm coming."

When the phone call ended I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down but it did little to help. I pulled my knees to my chest, squeezing myself into a ball. Something pressed against my thighs and I was reminded of the pill bottle I had put in my sweatshirt.

I pulled it out and traced my fingers over the label, smoothing it out. I opened the bottle of Ativan and poured three into my hand. The prescribed amount was one but if I was going to do it I was taking more than that.

I didn't hesitate to throw all three pills down my throat.

Now all I had to do was wait. 

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