Katerina's POV
Everyone has moments in their life when they don't know what to do.
Me, I have those almost every single day of my life. Although, it doesn't help that I've never had a true constant in my life. Everything has always been sporadic, fleeting, and, at times, dangerous. Especially since sometimes, I wasn't sure that I'd make it through to the end of the day, whether from potentially taking a stray bullet to the head or being beaten into oblivion by the people who should have loved and protected me the most.
Still, to this day, I find it ironic how Valentina and Ivan did the complete opposite. This, in turn, only caused me to be wary of anyone and everyone as I still continue to guard my heart.
Even though I've been in my new life for a few months, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around several things in my new day-to-day life. Unfortunately, the main concern involves love.
I begin to wonder at times if my family, my true family, that being my brothers, loves me.
In reality, I know that they do, but sometimes, especially on the days that I struggle, it's not that I necessarily need to hear it, but that I need that nudge. At times, I need a small action or a reminder to show myself that if Valentina was wrong about one thing, then surely she could be wrong about another.
I also worry about being able to reciprocate that love in return.
Although, I know that I can only receive as much as I'm willing to give.
Give and Take
Moreover, it doesn't help that Valentina's words still linger in the back of my mind. A saying that she, no doubt, didn't even make up herself, made sure to tell me at least once a week over the last five years or so.
No one will ever love you because you are unloveable, therefore, you will never be able to love either.
I know why she said it, wanting me to force myself into a self-made isolation bubble, only to hide my thoughts and feelings from the world. She wanted to break me.
In the end, her taunting worked as it seeped in through the cracks. Even as I tried to block out her words, she still managed, on some level, to make me believe that what she said was true.
Push and Pull
Sometimes I try to push myself forward, wandering off into the deep end or an unlit street into the darkness, into the unknown and unfamiliar territory.
However, I always end up pulling myself back into the shallow end where I can see everything clearly, or I note the slight falter in my step as I stumble over an unfamiliar crack, causing myself to doubt the path that I have started down.
The same can be said about my relationship with my brothers, not knowing how much I should push myself to accept them, but on some level, I never allowed myself to open up as I don't fully trust them. I sometimes feel like I'm someone I'm not since I haven't shared my true self.
Consequences
Consequently, I usually end up turning around or, when it comes to my brothers, backing out of telling them the full extent of who I am, opting instead for an alternate, yet familiar, path. In effect, I'm unable to fully experience new things or free my demons, whether that may potentially have been emotional or physical.
Sink or Swim
Sometimes, in moments like these, when I'm questioning everything around me, I tend to wonder which one is truly the better option: sinking or swimming.
At the moment, I find myself lying awake, not having been able to sleep for the past several hours as my mind continues to replay yesterday's events over and over again in my mind on a constant loop. The nightmare sure as hell didn't help either.
Honestly, even after hours of thinking, I still don't know exactly what I should do about how things went down with Michele. When we talked in the library, I was honestly shocked into silence for a while at his apology, since I'm used to people having no remorse when it comes to their actions.
He stunned me when he pleaded for my forgiveness, which I did eventually give him. He embraced me right away, hugging me to his chest, and for a moment, I was surprised to find tears on my cheek, only to realize they weren't my own. We stayed like that for longer than I'd care to admit while I too buried my face in his chest and let my pain show in the confines of that silent room.
After our conversation, I now know in my head that he truly didn't mean for any of that to happen; my heart already knew the truth, but my mind still struggles with the truth even after my acceptance. Hell, just seeing the anguish that marred his features was enough for me to know how guilt-ridden he was about the whole ordeal. But I also couldn't force myself to hate him any longer, and I realized that even after only a few short months, how much I had grown to love my brothers and how much I needed them in my life.
My mind is a different story, however. Yes, he gave me an apology, but what irks me is that he gave a few reasons as to why he was so upset to begin with. One of which was that something bad happened with Lorenzo and the twins earlier in the week; though, he wouldn't explain further.
Instead, I asked Christiano later in the day since he's a terrible liar. He said and I quote, 'A big group of guys, not bigger than me of course,' he flexed his muscles, and I had to stop myself from laughing in his face since he is the smallest of my brothers; instead, I let him have his moment, 'tried to mug us on the street.'
He went on to say that their bodyguards scared them off and that he thought they were gang members since two wielded daggers, another a pistol, and the last had brass knuckles and a broken bottle. As he described what happened, his animated tale was somewhere between far-fetched and half-ass plausible. Moreover, Lorenzo and Santiago, who were also in the room, looked none-plus when Christiano mentioned the gang relation.
In the end, Michele refused to say too much, instead, promising to explain everything in a few days when our extended family arrived. He droned on, saying that I had to meet everyone first before I could be told the extent of the problem. I rolled my eyes at that, wishing that he would just be upfront about things, rather than beating around the bush. Pussy
A part of me wants to confront him and demand his explanation sooner. Although, another part of me is questioning if I truly want to know, especially if it's some life-altering news. However, I doubt whatever they have to tell me will bother me too much as long as it doesn't turn into a Valentina/Ivan situation.
There is also another voice, tiny as it may be, that can reason away why Michele had reacted the way that he had. Even if it had been in a way that installed a new sliver of fear into my system when I now think about being alone near my eldest brother again, yet I still make new reasonings and excuses since I don't want the former thought to fester.
Even with Sebastiano, who I wouldn't let leave last night, I stained his shirt with my tears before finally falling asleep in his embrace, pulling me further into his chest while his breath tickled my neck. Sleep continues to evade me.
As the hours pass and the thoughts continue, I eventually decide to venture out for a walk in the cool late-September air even though it's still the wee hours of the morning, says the clock on my bedside table that reads 3:00 AM.
Ghosting hour
Thankfully, I don't believe in ghosts or appertains, what have you.
I do, however, believe in karma.
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Being Saved
Teen FictionA mafia siblings book with a love interest as the two central themes. -- Katerina is a 15-year-old girl who has been abused by her mother for as long as she can remember. As time goes on, the worst years of her life seem neverending, and she can onl...
