Being Saved

Chapter 8 - It's Kind of Depressing

Katerina's POV

"You three can go now," Michele orders, giving the youngest three a pointed look.

"You might as well let them stay," I reply, sighing. "I have a pretty good idea of what you're going to ask me, and they should know, too. Plus, I don't want to have to talk about this stuff more than I have to."

"Are you sure?" Michele asks.

"Ask away."

"Alright, if you're sure?" Michele questions and continues to talk after I nod. "Earlier when we were in the living room, you... You umm..."

"Just say it," I say, cutting Michele off. "Please, stop beating around the bush, and just ask me already."

"You flinched when I grabbed you. When Santiago pushed you into the door frame, it looked like it hurt. Like it hurt way worse than it should have. Like maybe your shoulder was already hurt," he says, looking me in the eye.

"That wasn't a question," I sigh. Looking away, I say, "but I know what you're getting at."

"So were you? Already hurt, I mean," Michele finally asks after a few minutes of me playing with my fingers.

Finally, meeting his gaze again, I say, "I'm trying to decide."

"Huh," he says, giving me a puzzled look.

"What are you trying to decide, bambina?" Anthony asks softly.

"If I'm gonna tell y'all because I can't take it anymore."

"Can't take what anymore?" Michele asks.

"Lying to people," I say as I wipe away a traitorous tear. "I hate it, but you wanna know something else?"

"What?" He asks, wiping away another.

"No one ever truly wants to hear the truth. They prefer the lie. Because when you know the truth, everything changes. I... I... ughh," I trail off, shaking my head.

"Angel, please tell us whatever you're thinking," Michele pleads while cuddling me to him. "We want to know, and we need to know how this little brain of yours thinks," he continues while playing with my hair as I lean my head against his chest.

"You really want to know?" I whisper.

"You can tell us anything you want or nothing at all. We're here for you, but we can't help unless you let us."

With a sigh, I begin my ranting again.

"Sometimes I just don't understand. I don't understand when people say that they want the truth, that they want to know. No one in their right mind really wants to know the truth. People would rather believe the lies that they are fed rather than knowing the true extent of one's problems. Because when you are told the truth, it cannot be unheard. When the truth is told, everything changes. When you know the truth, you have to face the sad realities of the situation. The pretty picture is shattered. The charade is broken. The façade that you have created will crumple to the ground and all that's left is the ugly truth that lies behind its walls. The lies told are exposed. The truth exposes you. The truth makes you vulnerable to those who know it. It exposes you for what you are... as a liar... as weak... as damaged..." Wiping away a stray tear, I continue. "I've hidden from the truth for years. The truth is no friend of mine. I do anything and everything that I can to avoid the truth about my life. I built walls up to protect myself from my own truth," I say with a sad chuckle. "I've used these walls to block out others, to block out the questions, and I've tried my darndest to block out my past, but I can never forget. The only thing that I can do is avoid it, but that's also gotten me nowhere. That's sad, isn't it?" I ask, looking up. "That I don't even want to know the truth about my own life? That I'd rather live in the lies that I've told so that I don't have to deal with the pain of knowing... the pain I've felt... That I'd rather believe that the façade of a happy girl was real, that my life is perfect, that I was loved... when, in fact, it couldn't be further from the truth."