The Black Prince

'𝐈 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧!'

"Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die."

__________

Si-Woo

I sit beside her and hold my hand out in the rain. I watch as the rain drops on the front of my hand. Minji asked for an explanation. 

An explanation to why I do things the way I do them. I take my gaze away from the droplets and rest my hand on my lap. I look at her wrist, the bracelet, it's still there.

"I've always had her in my mind. She never leaves my thoughts for even a second. Every thought, every word is somehow related to her. I do feel guilty about her death but recently it got worse. Something... keeps reminding me of her. It got unbearable, worse. It just awoke the guilt and remorse in me even more than before."

She didn't move her eyes off of me. I get it, she was worried. If I ever do this next time, which I hope not, I don't think it's a good idea messaging Minji about it. 

I scoff at my thoughts. I can't believe I'd actually think of putting her in the same situation again.

"I had a nightmare today. I get nightmares every time I sleep at my house."

"Every time? Don't you always sleep at your house?" I shake my head. "No, it's either the school or... the rooftop. I sleep at my house only on the weekends, but that's it."

It wasn't just the nightmare that scared me. 

I always blamed myself but once or twice I'd be lenient on myself and I'd blame someone else. 

I've always said it was because of me. Because she was angry at me. Because I yelled at her. Because I told her a lie. Because I said that I hated her.

But there was one more person, I'd blame other than me. Her friend.

It was her fault as well. She was the one who held the party. She was the one Dahyun was going to meet. She was moving and that's why there was a party. If she had never moved then there would've been no party. If there was no party, Dahyun would be here right now, and I wouldn't be at a bridge.

I wouldn't have been in Korea, I would've been in Europe. My father would've never hated me nor would I have hated myself.

When I assumed Minji as Dahyun's friend, it scared me. That the only other person I was blaming for her death was Minji. Minji, who has helped me so much. Who made me laugh when I didn't want to, when I couldn't. Minji, who teased me. Minji, who held me as if she'd fall if she let go. Minji, the only person I actually got so close to.