finding permanence

47: Max

She's pushing me away. No matter how much she tries to deny it with excuses like, "I'm still processing things" and "I'm busy with work", I know she's putting her shield up again.

I can't say that I blame her. She was so scared to let Anna in and then she finally did only for it to backfire.

In the past week, I've seen my girlfriend twice. She came to my game like she always does, and I got a congratulations kiss. I was the one to initiate it, she was the one to pull back first. And I convinced her to come out for a drink with us, but that's all it was. One drink and she left because she had an early shift the next morning.

The other time we saw each other was by accident. We happened to be at the gym, and I spotted her sprinting on the treadmill. When I came behind her and looked at the machine, she was on her fourth mile, sweat dripping down the back of her neck and shoes slamming down. Sam only runs when she's extremely stressed, it helps her clear her mind. She told me that when she runs, that's all she's thinking about, all the other shit is put on the back burner.

When I asked if she wanted to grab food after, my treat, she said she couldn't because she had to study for an exam.

Without her, I'm losing my goddamn mind. I'm trying to find the right words to say to her, but nothing seems right.

I've thought back on our conversation the day Anna wronged her, replaying her words over and over. She was so concerned about whether I've talked to my mom to resolve things and only now am I started to make connections.

I know she feels guilty that I'm not talking to my parents. For her, I've decided to resolve things once and for all. When she sees that I'm trying and making progress with my family relationships, it might bring her some ease.

I refuse to let her slip through my fingers.

The door opens before I have the chance to raise my arm and knock. "I saw your car come up the driveway." I'm surprised when Jason grabs me in for a hug, "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year." We had a 'boys don't cry' mentality in our family. So, we always hid our emotions and reserved to ourselves. We have never been the type of give hugs to anyone besides the woman in our family: Mom, Grandma, and the aunties.

He pulls away. "It was weird not saying that face-to-face this year," he says. I called him on both holidays and felt guilty when he talked about the atmosphere of the house. It's not Jason's fault for what happened. I feel bad that he suffered because of it, and I hate that I wasn't more understanding of that. Sam was right, I should've reached out sooner.

I don't blame her for pulling away. Now she probably thinks that I can't communicate when there's issue because that's what I've been showing her.

"Merry Christmas and Happy New Year," I mimic. "I should've come by a while ago." He nods his head slowly in nonverbal agreement. "But I care so much about what mom thinks of the person I'm dating, and she sat there acting so nasty towards her I just." I cut off my rambling and shake my head like I don't know what else to say.

"I get it. She has felt bad for how things went down; she just looks sad all the time."

I hang my head down and look at the tops of my shoes.

"So, you finally grew a pair and asked Sam out?" When I look up, he's smiling. At least I know someone's happy for me.

"I did. Our mistletoe trap worked on Christmas Eve," I say. "Is mom home?" I didn't call ahead to tell her I was stopping by. Jason was the only one I texted. It was a spur-of-the-moment situation. At practice, I couldn't stop thinking about Sam and what I did wrong; how to fix it. And now, I'm here.