finding permanence

36: Max

Today is the day I face Serena. I'm not nervous. I know exactly what I'm going to say.

If anything, I'm excited. Because after this, Sam and I can have a much-anticipated talk. I know she's also talking to her mom today. We both decided to schedule it for the same day to hold one another to getting the conversation done. I told Sam that after a discussion with her mom, she'd find clarity and get some answers to ease her mind. That's what I've been trying to tell myself with Serena, but I'm feeling very hypocritical. I am not dreading this talk and I don't think I need answers anymore because my mind is already made up.

I made sure to get to the coffee shop earlier than her. We decided to go downtown to a place we studied at all the time last year. Sam was worried that going to a place so familiar might bring up memories, but I've always liked familiar. There might be memories, but they'll likely change after this visit.

Something I've recently learned is that change is going to happen whether we like it or not, but it shouldn't stop us from enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Like a coffee shop. I love the coffee they sell here, why would I stop coming simply because my ex and I studied here?

There's a booth in the back corner of the shop that is my favorite. Serena always wanted to sit in the front where the people were gathered most. The few times I've been here without Serena, this seat has provided a nice escape away, which is exactly what I need for having a serious conversation.

"I'm not surprised you sat back here. You always begged me for these seats when we studied."

"And yet no matter how many times I asked, we only ended up sitting here maybe 2 out of the 30ish times we came," I say. Serena sits across from me. I sat at the edge of the booth, not giving her the chance to sit next to me. My back is against the cushion behind me and my arms are crossed over my chest defensively.

"It's so quiet in the back. You know I need to have some sort of white noise in the background or it drives me crazy." Sam and I could sit in complete silence for hours and neither of us would mind. The both of us get so caught up in our own thoughts that we feel comfortable enough to be content with just the presence of the other person. Sam would love sitting back here.

"I like quiet," I claim. "Why don't you try to name five more things that I like," I challenge her.

Her spine straights and she sit up in her seat, "Hockey," she says with confidence.

"Obviously," I patronize.

"Your family."

"Very good." I want her to know that I'm being sarcastic.

"Beer."

"Most men do," I say, getting irritated. "Tell me something not many people would know I like." Her eyes stare blankly into mine until her guilt forces her to look away. "That's what I thought." She tries to say something else, but I continue, "I'll make it easier for you. Just tell me one thing that only someone who knows me would know." She looks down at her cup. "What am I majoring in?"

"Math," she says straight away. An easy question to start her off. Make her think that she's getting to a point of proving herself.

"Right. And what's my backup plan in case I don't make the league?" Her face that was lit up just moments ago falls again.

"I don't know."

"Middle school math teacher." I cross my arms on the table. "You don't know the first thing about me Serena. What was your motive for this coffee talk? If you thought it was for us to get back together, you're poorly mistaken."