finding permanence

10: Max

I really don't care that Sam doesn't want to have sex anymore. That's her choice and I'd never force her to do anything she didn't want to do. I mean, the sex is great, but we both know we can't promise each other anything, so it makes sense that we stop.

But having her sit there and talk down on me pissed me the fuck off.

I know that she's stressed about finding someone to develop their game, but she doesn't have to take it out on me.

And as mad as I am, I also don't want to cut her out of my life. Ever since the field trip, we've developed a friendship that feels so easy. I don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing to her because I genuinely don't care what she thinks about me.

That sounds bad but let me explain.

Ever since high school and my journey to popularity, I quickly found myself carefully wording everything I said. Like I would script it out and hope that the conversation would go through exactly how I imagined it to.

And when it didn't, it scared the shit out of me. Because then I'd have to improvise and hope that I still sounded just as good as I did in my head.

With Sam, I never think about what I'm about to say, I just say it. Maybe it's because she's just a girl who I was casually hooking up with and I'm not trying to impress her into a relationship. Or maybe she's just easy to talk to.

Either way, I've began to look forward to hanging out with her because I feel like I can tell her things that I wouldn't normally tell people.

And we haven't even really talked about things too deep yet.

She's like my own personal therapist. And maybe it's wrong of me to think of her that way, but once we graduate, Sam and I probably won't ever see each other again. So, what's wrong with us using each other until then?

Goddamn, I'm an asshole. Maybe that's why none of my relationships worked out in the past, I was just using them for something in one way or another.

But if you really think about it, that's how relationships are. Two people using each other for something. For love, for sex, for fun. What I'm saying, is that both people should be getting something out of the relationship.

Pulling up to our driveway, I park my car and head inside. The first thing I see is Scott dressed in all brown with angel wings and a halo. Oliver is taking a picture of him and laughing, "You're so fucking whipped and you aren't even dating her."

"Why the hell do you look like that?" I question, trying to hide my own smile.

"I'm going to the Halloween Carnival with Rydell. She said she was dressing up as a holy cow, so I thought I'd go as holy shit."

I don't try to hide my laugh as he says it. "You can't be serious."

"Does it look like I'm joking?" he points at his costume. "You think she'll like it?" he asks in all seriousness.

"Yeah, man," I pat his shoulder. "I think she'll like it," I know that the carnival is for the orphanage because Sam told me about it the other day. "Is everyone for the orphanage going?" I ask as subtly as possible. No one really knows about mine and Sam's set up.

"Why do you care?"

"I don't," I shrug my shoulder. "I just figure that's a lot of little girls to watch," I play it off.

"Yeah well, Ry said that the middle schoolers and high schoolers are allowed to wander off on their own, so they really only have to look after the smaller ones. Del said her and Sam each got a different group of elementary schoolers."