finding permanence

13: Sam

            Fucking asshole. So what if I'm scared of the wind? He doesn't need to be mean about it, I have a perfectly good explanation to not like it.

I drove home so upset that I almost forgot about the wind. That is until I stepped out of my car and it hit me like the biggest slap in the face.

It's so pathetic, but I genuinely feel like crying anytime it's super windy outside. A nice little breeze, and I'm fine.

But if it's to the point when it's loud and pulling you back, I am transported back to the worst day of my life. The day my mom left me.

And maybe I lashed out a bit too much on Max, but I've always been one to lead with my emotions. That's something I need to work on.

I really wish Del was here. Not only do I miss her, but she's always good at distracting me on windy nights.

During the day I can handle it well enough, but I'm terrified at night. Especially when I'm alone.

I go to turn on a movie hoping that it will take my mind off the weather, scrolling through shows until I land on a random comedy.

My knee is unconsciously bouncing up and down, I'm trying hard not to bite my nails and every time the branches from the tree outside hit the window, I jump about 10 feet.

Ok this is not working. I cover my ears as hard as I can and squeeze my eyes shut saying a silent prayer to the wind gods to tell them to cut this shit out.

As if there is a supernatural force mocking me, the wind seems to pick up. Maybe if I get high it will calm my anxiety.

It could but it also might make me more paranoid, so I drop that idea quick.

The doorbell rings and I swear my heart feels like it jumped out of my chest. I open the door without checking who it is, only to be faced by the big bully himself.

But I don't shut the door on his face because he's holding a tub of mint n' chip ice cream and a bag of McDonalds.

Grabbing the contents out of him hands, I slam the door on his face. Or I try to at least. Max sticks his foot in the door, "Is that any way to treat your friend who's just brought you your favorite comfort foods."

I squint my eyes at him, "No, but it's the way I treat bullies who make fun of me."

He laughs and shoves his large frame through the door, shutting it behind him. I think he's used to my attitude at this point. He just ignores and deals with it. "I'm sorry for making fun of you without realizing that you could be scared of the wind for a reason. That was mean of me and I promise I won't do it again," he says genuinely.

I sigh. Why does he have to be so fucking nice? It makes me feel bad when I take things out on him. And I did take out my fear of the wind on him a little. "I'm sorry if I blew things out of proportion."

I never apologized to people before Max because I never felt like I had anything to apologize for. But he is someone who I want to keep around, even if it's just as a friend.

I like being able to tell him things without fearing he'll judge me for it. Rydell's the only other person who I can do that with. Maybe it's good to put him aside until the video game is finished. If we can make it as friends for that long that is.

And I haven't told Rydell a lot of things. Especially in terms of Anna and my adoption because I never wanted to revisit the past. Rydell has so much shit going on anyway, I don't want to burden her with mine.