finding permanence

5: Sam

"I'm scared I'll catch feelings for him," I tell Rydell as we supervise some of the girls who are playing soccer in the backyard.

"You? Catching feelings?" Rydell raises the back of her hand to feel the temperature of my forehead. "Are you sick or something?"

I swat her hand away, "Listen. I hooked up with a random guy from Tinder this past weekend because I couldn't stop thinking about Max. But I couldn't get myself to finish no matter how hard I tried," I complain.

Let's be honest ladies, a lot of the times I find guys don't do the best at eliciting an orgasm from me. But if I direct them in the right position or add my hand to the mix, that usually does the trick. Last weekend, all I could think about was Max and how much better it would feel if I was with him.

The weekend before I wasn't even in the party mood and I'm always in a mood to party.

"Maybe this is a good thing, Max seems like he's a good guy. He's always nice to me when I go over to hang out with Scott."

"That's the problem. I know he's a good guy. I don't need a good guy right now. Either I have something that's not serious or I don't have anything. You know how strict I am with this Rydell."

"I know. Maybe you should just take a little break."

"But I love sex," I pout. I'm not ashamed of it. Sex is healthy. If Max and I had met after college, this wouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't hesitate to ask him on a date, but I have priorities that I won't negotiate.

"Didn't you delete Tinder already?"

"Yes. That's not the problem. The problem is that I can't get fucking Maximillian Rudderford out of my mind."

"Well, we have the field trip this weekend. You should talk to him then."

"What if I talk to him and it makes things worse?"

"Then maybe you should give it a try with him," I give her a sour look. "Oh! I know, let's think of icks. Ummmm.... Think about him bending over and his buttcrack showing!" she exclaims.

"Ok wait, this might work. Keep going," I close my eyes to visualize.

"Think about him waiting for the lifeguard to tell him he can go down the waterslide. Or using the pleading eyes emoji. Imagine him asking to copy your homework. Or not wearing socks with his shoes."

"Alright, I think I'm good now. Whenever I think about him, I'll train myself to replace it with an ick so I get over this stupid crush."

Rydell sucks her bottom lip in like she's trying not to say something, "Just say it," I sigh.

"It's nothing," she squints her eyes and looks to the side, pretending to be distracted.

"Come on Del, what is it?"

"It's just," she starts slowly, "I think that sounds really stupid."

I raise my eyebrows, "What?"

"You have a crush on him, so what? That's not a bad thing Sam."

"Oh, course it's a bad thing! First of all, he isn't over his ex. Second of all, I am not getting into a relationship until I graduate."

"I mean, we graduate this year, it's not like it's that long of a wait. At the very least, maybe you guys could just be friends with benefits so you can try to get him out of your system."