finding permanence

35: Sam

Today is the day I face Anna. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. Which is very telling because there's not much that makes me nervous.

I decided to be petty and arrive late. Let her know how it feels to be kept waiting. Except, I'll show up instead of disappearing for years.

We're meeting at a café outside of the library downtown. Somewhere public so that I feel comfortable and outside so I can breathe. Plus, sitting outside is a simple pleasure of mine, especially when the weather is nice, and today is cold, but the sun is out, and the sky is clear. The perfect day for it.

When I approach the outside tables, I notice Anna almost immediately. She's bundled in a jacket and scarf. There's a black beanie on her head and she wears mittens while picking up her coffee cup. I notice a cup sitting in the seat across from hers. When she spots me, she starts waving her arm dramatically and I raise mine for a brief moment to make her stop the action.

"They just brought it out so it shouldn't be cold yet. It's peppermint hot chocolate," she says with a bright smile. "Remember when we went sledding?"

I have a couple of good memories with my birth mom, but I never think about them much. They just make things more painful. Reminders of what could've been if things had turned out differently.

I very vaguely remember sledding with my mom. There're flashes of us on a two-person sled; her behind me with her arms wrapped to keep me close. I do remember the peppermint hot chocolate treat afterwards though. Anna found $5 on the sidewalk that day and decided to treat me to it. Peppermint hot chocolate is my favorite seasonal beverage, maybe that memory is why.

"Not really." She sets her cup down, watching as I take my seat. "Thank you." I nod towards the cup. "It's one of my favorites." Max has taught me a lot in terms of handling things with maturity. To be kind because you never know what anyone else is thinking. Anna might not deserve that decency, but I can either be angry about it or accept it. This is me accepting it.

"You're so beautiful." She's looking at me like it's the first time. "Strong and healthy. That's all I ever wanted for you; to be healthy. And happy."

"I am healthy and happy, but it's not because of you, it's because of my parents and myself."

"Samantha, I could never give you what you needed. When you were born, I was the worst possible version of myself. I had moved out of my parents' house the second I could without realizing how hard it would be to live on my own. It's not an excuse for how I handled things with you, but I need you to know that I never gave you away because I didn't love you."

"Why'd you leave your parent's house?" Knowing her background might help me understand her reasoning.

"My brother died, and they weren't ever the same after that. I couldn't live in the environment they were creating. All of a sudden I was an only child and their sole focus was on me. All I wanted to be was perfect, but no matter how much I tried, nothing would ever be good enough for them. At some point, I couldn't handle it anymore. One of my friends got me into drugs and the stress I had concerning that situation disappeared and I couldn't stop chasing that feeling." I didn't even know that she had a brother.

"So he was your only sibling?"

"He was, for a time. After he passed and I started becoming a disappointment, they gave me a sister, but I haven't seen her in ages. I think she's living in Oregon right now." A tense silence evades us, and I struggle with finding the right words. I notice her about to say something else but before she can, I blurt out whatever words come to my head.

"Why are you all of a sudden interested in my life?" It's the million-dollar question. "Why not find me sooner?"

"Because I was scared. I mean, I still am but somethings are more important." Life without fear would be so easy, but realistically speaking, that's not how life works. Fear isn't something you can necessarily get rid of, it's just an obstacle to overcome and I can understand that.

"I've been scared a lot too." Being scared is natural. "I was scared when you left me at the orphanage. I was scared you'd never come back, and when you didn't, I was scared that everyone else would abandon me just like you did."

"I'm sorry-"

"When you wouldn't wake up in the mornings because you were either still trashed or hungover, I was scared. I don't think I have to tell you how scared I was when you appeared out of nowhere without warning." I fold my hands on the table and lean back in my chair, shrugging my shoulders. "And yet here I am, sitting scared in this seat, still not being able to understand how any amount of fear could make you leave if you loved me the way you claim you did."

"It's more complicated than that Sam."

"But it's not. When I have a responsibility, I take it seriously. When I love people, I treat them as such. It's basic human decency." I take a long drink of the peppermint hot chocolate in front of me. It's hot enough but doesn't burn my tongue and I'm glad I can take it in gulps. I told her I'd only stay for one drink. The faster I finish this, the faster I can leave. In all honesty, I think it's better for both Anna and I both to not have any sort of relationship. Look how different both our lives our without each other.

"I did love you, I still do," she says.

Nodding my head slowly, I matter-of-factly say, "Just not enough." I chug the rest of the drink and gently seat it at the edge of the table so the waiter can grab it easily. "I don't know if you needed to see me to get rid of guilt or to make your decisions seem justifiable, but I don't want us to have a close relationship. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I want you, but maybe for now we just exchange numbers and I'll think about it," I say. Last night I laid in bed and planned out what I wanted to say. I stuck to it well enough, and Max was right, it feels good to have some clarity.

"So, you're saying I have a chance?"

"No, I'm saying that whatever relationship we have will be on my conditions from now on." I put $5 on the table to cover the peppermint hot chocolate and hand her a sticky note and pen from my purse for her to write down her phone number. She does and I take it without another word.