The Final Choice

2

I would've given myself to him that night. Freely, with no regrets...but he was too much of a good guy. I sighed and leaned back in my chair. 2 years later, and I still thought about him all the time. 

We didn't talk as much anymore. He was always busy and so was I. I was lucky if I spoke to him every few months. At least we still somewhat stayed in touch though. It was mainly through texting, but it was something. 

Ben was 17 now, so he helped me with his grandma as much as he could. He also had school, soccer, and a job, so he wasn't home that much. 

In all honesty, I was lonely. I felt like I had no one. Ben didn't need me. Mom did, but it was just routine now. I loved my mother with everything in me, but I was exhausted and stressed out. 

My sister, my brothers, my nephews and nieces, cousins, whatever. They all thought that I was supposed to take over for my mother. I was supposed to do whatever they needed/wanted me to do, just like she used too, when she was able. 

They expected it. I had been doing it for years already, with no gratification from any of them.

I was already raising so many kids, because of the drug epidemic in my family. Then I had the Department of Family and Children services calling me, to see if I could take in my two great nephews. Daniels kids. 

He was having kids when he was still a kid himself, so the oldest was 10. His name was Isaac. His 6 year old little brother was named James.

The worker said that the kids had given her my number and was told to ask Aunt Callie if she would come get them. Apparently, the little one had bruises all up and down his bottom and his leg, and neither of them had been to school in forever.

This broke my heart. There was no way that I could.

We already had too many people living under our roof and not enough room for everyone. I tried my best to find someone to take them in, but either no one could, or they just wouldn't. 

I had no choice but to let the system take them.

If I were being honest with myself, I would've called DFCS  on my nephew and his girl a long time ago, if my mother hadn't begged me not too. They were on drugs pretty bad, so the kids were basically raising themself. 

My mother believed everything that she saw on TV, so in her mind, the system would only get them abused, assaulted, starved, and worse.

They weren't like Ben, either. No, these kids were wild and unruly. Disrespectful, little liars most of the time, but they were my nephews, my family, and I loved them. It wasn't their fault that they were basically raised that way. It crushed me to let them go.

I didn't sign up for this life and it was draining my soul. 

Every action that I took didn't seem to make a difference. Nothing got better. I stayed stuck in this monotonous routine, surrounded by addicts and children.

The only thing that kept me sane, besides my anxiety medication, was talking to Ben, the occasional text from Colby, watching his and Sam's videos, and my memory of that night. 

"Hey Cal, can I borrow $10?" my brother asked me, bringing me back to reality. "I need some cigarettes and a Monster. I'll pay you back." 

"Sure," I sighed, as I fished out my bank card from my purse. I was wrong. Some things did get better. I was now being paid to take care of my mother. I could buy my own cigarettes now and help her pay the bills. 

I may have gotten a new car too, but my old one was in danger of falling apart on the side of the road. I needed a stable ride to be able to take her to and from her doctor's appointments.