pink flowers | billie eilish

twenty four

warnings: mentions of self-harm

billie
365 days (1 year) before

it's been almost a month. me and jasmine are becoming closer and closer, and my desire for her to be my girlfriend is getting stronger every day.

she's a woman who opened my eyes and made me realize she's the first person who made me happy.

we had a few dates since we made up. she took me on a picnic, to a fancy restaurant, bowling, and all of the cute stuff you can imagine.

i wish i could focus on only the good stuff, i really do, because i've been feeling drained lately.

i talked to finneas because he's ready for everything that i tell him, i don't think jasmine could handle it.

she would be too worried, and i don't want to cause her more anxiety than she already has.

finneas's response was dumb and useless as usual. the first thing he asked was: "have you been taking your meds?" as if meds could cure everything, a broken person.

i don't think they do. they just bring you some kind of happiness for a few hours.

i still want to end it all, so i don't think they work at all.

then, he asked if i hurt myself. that question took me off guard, mostly because i haven't heard that question in a long time.

and i wish i could say no. i really do.

"i'm sorry," my lip quivered when finneas began to raise his voice at me. "i promise i won't do it anymore, i swear," i bounced my knee up and down, picking on the skin around my nails.

i darted my eyes away from him. he sighed and sat beside me on my bed, softly wrapping his arms around me.

"you don't have to apologize, bil," he said. "i should be the one saying sorry. i'm just so worried about you. i love you so much and all i wanna do is help you," he gently explained.

"i know," i whispered. "i'm really trying. it's just hard to stop from one day to the next,"

"it's good you're trying," he told me. "i need to get going now, i'm taking claudia on a date. will you be okay?" he asked and stood up.

"i'll ask jasmine if she's able to come over. you can go get laid," i nodded. he slapped my arm playfully, gave me one last hug and left.

jaz🌷

3:36 pm

hii
are u free rn?

hellooo ml
i'm w aiden 
we haven't hung out in a long time
but i'll come over when he goes home, okayy?

yeah okay that's fine :)
i'll see u later then🫶🏻

can't wait! <3

i smiled to myself and lay down, staring at the ceiling and wondering what i could do. i decided to take a nap since i've been really tired lately.

————————

i was woken up by a warm hand stroking my hair. i immediately smiled when i smelled jasmine's perfume and hid my face deeper into my covers, blushing. she continued running her fingers through my hair for a few minutes before she spoke up. "i know you're awake,"

i turned around to face her and smiled widely. i wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her on top of me, hugging her tightly. "i missed you," i mumbled into her neck, leaving a soft, innocent kiss behind her ear.

"i missed you too, angel," she chuckled and rested her forearms next to my head, stroking my cheeks with her thumbs. "you okay?"

"yeah; today's just been a little harsh on me, that's all," i smiled softly and pecked her lips. "i'm okay now that you're here,"

"do you want to talk about it?" she asked me. the look she had in her eyes almost made me cry. i could tell she was worried and she really cared about me.

"i dunno. i don't want you to worry," i admitted. deep down i knew that telling her would make a little bit of the pressure go away.

"you can tell me anything, i promise i won't freak out or anything," she softly said and interlocked our fingers together.

"finneas found out i'm still self-harming, and he kind of yelled at me," i sighed. "but i get it, he's just worried,"

"he yelled at you?" she frowned.

"raised his voice," i corrected myself. "he then apologized," i told her and squeezed her hand.

"well, are you okay?" she asked and i shook my head. she sadly sighed and said, "is there anything i can do to make you feel better?"

"just hold me," i mumbled and buried my face into her neck. "that's all i need right now," i whispered and closed my eyes, letting myself relax.

"okay," jasmine simply said and i felt her body relax too. "you know, i imagine our future so bright," she randomly said.

"how so?" i asked.

"i see myself married with you, two kids, a lot of pets.. all of this cute shit," she admitted with a slight giggle.

"we aren't even dating and you're imagining this," i snorted. "but i can't say i haven't imagined this too. i feel like you're my soulmate," i laughed loudly into her neck. sometimes, i laugh to make it seem like i'm not serious, but we both know i am.

"me too," she chuckled.  "i can't believe summer break is in 13 days,"

"i can't wait," i said. "can we take a nap?" i requested, pulling her closer to me, even though it wasn't really possible.

"sure," she kissed my cheek and stretched her arm out to turn off the lamp on my nightstand. "good night, my love,"

"good night, baby," i chuckled and let myself drift off to sleep.

🌸

a/n:

hii! this chapter is kinda rushed and short, but i wanted to update since i didn't for like 2 weeks.

i hate ending chapters with sleeping but whatever😭

thoughts?

i updated my imagines book, you can go read it if you want!