Chrysalis Days & Butterfly Nights [Wattys 2023 Shortlist]

12

12

He had pushed away all thoughts of his altercation with Andy. He wanted, so much, to repair their friendship, except that he couldn't find the right words to even begin. Before he could even attempt it, he'd need to know that Andy wouldn't consider him as something less, something wrong, as he had done to the trans woman at the coast. He couldn't survive that. He'd rather not speak at all than have Andy look at him in disgust.

The website, T-Connekt, had proven a treasure trove of people's experiences. The forum held hundreds of stories that Luke had devoured, while still lurking in silence. So many different stories, taking in all aspects of the diverse mix of the trans community. From horror stories, to beautiful endings. From sexual encounters, to success stories. It became more than a little bewildering, but, in the same breath, enlightening. Somewhere, within that cacophony of words, lay the answer to his own dilemma. What, exactly, was the shape of his own existence?

That day, he had watched, through the camera on his doorbell, through his phone, as deliveries were made to his house. The last pieces of the beginning of his transformation, and Luke couldn't wait to return home, open those packages, and wear, for the first time, underwear, shoes, wig, make-up and clothes. He had made a decision, while waiting for everything to arrive. Tonight, he would go outside.

He had thought about it from the first day he had tried on the few clothes he had, that night with Mary. Sitting at home, doing normal things, watching television, eating, petting Toby, checking the internet. It had become normal. But it still felt illicit, as though he were performing some act of subterfuge, never letting it go beyond a fantasy set within his own home. He needed to test himself and his resolve.

Not that he wanted to go where others were, it was far too terrifying a prospect to do that, but something, somewhere, and Luke had a good idea where he could go. The local reservoir, a few miles outside of town, had paths around the edge of the water, a little forested area, where people could make little hikes through the woods along twisting trails designed to evoke the quiet serenity of the countryside. He had taken Toby for long walks around that reservoir, in the past, and he had encountered other people on only rare occasions. At night, he presumed, it would be practically abandoned.

Upon returning home, after work, he had put aside the packages, heightening the anticipation, causing his stomach to bubble and twist. He didn't rush into anything. Didn't rip open the boxes. He remained calm as he prepared his evening meal, fed Toby, watched the news as he ate. The news, however, he had to turn off, as yet more debates abounded about the trans community. None of it positive, most of it filled with hatred and empty accusations. He had read enough about that online to make him reconsider everything time-and-time again.

Late-afternoon turned to evening and Toby had started to become restless, expecting his usual walk around the neighbourhood to sniff every single one of his scent markers and to mark a dozen, or a hundred, more. Toby would have to wait that little bit longer. Luke had to prepare for tonight. Not to leave the house dressed, but to carry most of his things to the reservoir and to finish dressing there. Make-up, however, he had to do now. It was bad enough affixing it at home, let alone in a car, with only a tiny light and a rear-view mirror to work with. A risk, but only a little one, he hoped.

He felt glad he had ordered two pairs of shoes. One, a beautiful pair of short-heeled stilettos that he would need a lot of practice in before he even attempted walking any distance on. The other pair were far more suitable for this night. Block-heeled pixie-like boots. The style had a name for them, but they looked like pixie boots to him and the larger, low heel wouldn't feel too different from his work boots. He hoped. It had rained during the day, still had the occasional shower passing overhead, and the boots were far more practical, even though he wanted to wear the stilettos so much he could almost burst.