Chrysalis Days & Butterfly Nights [Wattys 2023 Shortlist]

11

11

Mary had kept in touch, but she hadn't visited him again. She had her own life to lead without guiding a fledgling through a tortuous process of understanding themself. Luke didn't mind, she had helped him quite a lot, allowing him to understand, at least, one thing. This compulsion to dress was not about sex. That eased a little worry, that he had only started dressing as some kink that he used as an excuse for passionate encounters. There was passion there, but of a very different kind.

In the meantime, he continued to buy clothes, though he had largely moved to buying online and ensuring the deliveries were left at his home, not with the neighbours. Luke didn't believe for a second that Graham hadn't noticed the package wasn't for him and didn't want the old man rummaging around in matters too private for anyone else to know about. For the moment.

That also played upon his mind. Dressing alone, at home, felt a little sordid. A desperate secret that, should anyone find out, could cause a whirlwind of accusations and pointed fingers. Laughs and mutterings from anyone that found out. Luke wasn't certain where the entire process was taking him, but he knew he didn't want to go through it alone.

The other website, T-Connekt, had come back online after a day or so, citing a cyber attack that had left the site in ruins. Taken down to clear away all the anti-trans rhetoric and bile spewed upon people's profiles. They had assured everyone that their private details remained secure, but it had caused ripples through the site's community. A community that Luke had joined, giving only minimal details, and had lurked around, watching what people said, how they acted. What kind of people he may, one day, reveal himself to.

People had tried contacting him, almost immediately, but, without pictures on his profile and little in his bio, he assumed these people were not genuine. Or, at least, a little too desperate for Luke's needs. He had enough desperation for a dozen people, himself, he didn't want to fall into a cycle of mutual self-flagellation. Metaphorically speaking.

Work continued. Life continued. He took Toby for long walks, when he could, trying to find a place that allowed him to wrestle with his feelings away from his home, where memories of his past threatened to force his guilt to overflowing. He could never, however, leave that house. Those self-same memories also gave him great comfort. A dichotomy, for certain, but he had no control over that.

That dress, the cute one with the Peter Pan collar, had gone by the time Luke had girded himself to return to that town and he had searched for something similar, online. It felt odd, browsing the sites, adding items to an invisible shopping cart. He couldn't take the time to test the material, hold up the clothes and see with his own eyes what he intended buying. Online, it was a crap shoot and reviews varied wildly.

"Hey." The voice caught Luke by surprise as he collected stock to put in his van for the next day. Andy. "How's things?"

Over two weeks since they had talked last, Luke still felt uncomfortable around his best friend. He could imagine what Andy would have said about Mary, and Mary hadn't looked half as polished and feminine as the trans woman at the coast. It felt awkward, but also felt good to see his friend. Still, Luke's eyes flickered away as he reached for an alarm casing.

Andy also had a little cart to carry the stock he needed for his van and reached up for a casing of his own. The electronic beep of their scanners intermingled in the vast warehouse and it almost felt like something they would once have joked about. Pretending the scanners were laser pistols from some movie. That didn't happen today, though.

"So, Skye's team won, of course." He leaned over, his elbows resting on the handrail of his cart, hands clasped together. "Clean sheet. My girl was like a monkey, bouncing around, stopping goals. Brilliant. We should field their entire team instead of ours."