Chrysalis Days & Butterfly Nights [Wattys 2023 Shortlist]

8

8

He answered a few of the texts from Andy with minimal words, telling him he would get in touch later. He couldn't face his best friend, right now. The vicious words that Andy had used against the trans woman had caused Luke to erupt in anger and that anger still seethed within him. They had fallen out before. The Great Barney of '09 came to mind. That had lasted a week and neither Luke or Andy had watched the cricket, live, since.

Not that it was going to be a problem anymore. Luke doubted they would ever see another trans person again, not one so open and free as the one at the coast, but also because Luke had thrown away the few items of clothing he had managed to gather. He hadn't only felt anger on that day. He had struggled with guilt and shame. Feelings that were all too familiar to him after his long, intermittent flirtations with dressing. They were now consigned to the bin, the bottles of nail polish shattered on top, making the clothes unwearable, should Luke's resolve waver.

"You see, it worries me." The old man, so thin and frail, touched Luke's arm to retrieve his attention. "There are so many wrong 'uns around, see. Without my alarm, I've got nothing to protect me. Only last week, the little buggers dropped dog shit through my letterbox."

"Well, your alarm's back up and running now." He closed the alarm box, fitted with an extra large panel for older folk, big buttons and display especially for those with poor eyesight. "Just remember, you only have to touch the buttons. If you press too hard, they'll break again. Okay?"

"Oh, yes. Flimsy they are." With shaking hands, the old man lifted his spectacles onto his nose, looking close at the panel. "Everything's made shit these days. Back in my day, they made things to last. Eee. I'll put the kettle on. Least I can do for your help."

"I'm afraid I can't stay." Holding up his worksheet clipboard, he shook it to make his point. "I've got more jobs to do. Slave drivers, eh?"

"Oh. Oh." The old man removed his glasses, taking time to close the arms with his gnarled fingers. He looked despondent. "Alright. Thanks again. It worries me, see."

The man lived alone, but for how long Luke couldn't say. The home held only one chair, tucked close to the gas fire, curtains permanently closed and a smell permeated the air that Luke didn't want to describe. He was old and lonely. Luke was probably the first person the old man had seen in a while. Luke wasn't lying, however. He did have a tight schedule, but he couldn't help but feel he should spend even a few minutes longer with the old man.

Unfortunately, as soon as Luke had fixed the alarm, it had sent out a message to the central servers and work would know he had finished. They weren't 'slave drivers', but they relied upon efficiency. Giving an old, lonely man some companionship wasn't efficient. He took one, last look around the sparse home and gave a tight smile to the old man as he left.

Luke lived alone. Had done so for two years and it never seemed a problem. He had Toby, at least, while this old man would probably struggle to care for a cat. Luke had friends, too, and that made the rift between himself and Andy all the harder. Without Andy and Cath, he faced a life as empty and dark as the old man.

Once back in the van, writing up the repairs upon his worksheet, he considered getting back in touch with Andy. Apologise, even though he hadn't, really, done anything wrong. Perhaps he may have overreacted. A little. The spring on the clip snapped back into place, clasping the old, almost empty pen, and he rested the clipboard on his thighs. He wanted to think he hadn't overreacted, though. The words Andy had said were horrible, bigoted. Would it send the right message to apologise? To make Andy think what he had said was fine?

"Cath says I should apologise ..."

The phone, attached to a cradle on the dash, pinged and showed the first words of the text message. That was the problem. Andy didn't think he should apologise because he didn't think he had done anything wrong. Cath had probably told him to apologise anyway, someone needing to take the first step, as Luke had considered, but an empty apology was worthless. From either of them. It only papered over cracks that still remained. Ignored the very personal bigotry that had made Luke feel small and invisible. He didn't want to think how it had made the trans woman feel.