Chrysalis Days & Butterfly Nights [Wattys 2023 Shortlist]

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The Sunday League match ended in disappointment. As usual. Losing was one thing, they had become experts at it. Losing six goals to nil? That was embarrassing! Embarrassing, but always fun and Luke relished playing as much as any of his teammates. Andy, of course, rallied them around, after the game, talking about the things they had done right, completely ignoring everything they had done wrong. And ignoring the plethora of goals against them.

A shower had invigorated Luke, tired muscles soaking in the comforting heat, sloughing away the dirt and some of that embarrassment. Luke had become used to tramping off the pitch as part of the losing side so much, he had started taking any loss less than a ten-goal difference as a kind of win. It still stung, but not so much once he had become clean again.

Now, sat upon the bed, finishing drying himself, he stared at the doors of the wardrobe. He had thought no-one would ever see the contents. That they were only there as reminders of better times. He hadn't worn any of them since the loss of Elaine. It didn't feel right to do that, even though it had crossed his mind often. Before, he had taken many secret opportunities to wear them.

Those times when Elaine was on a late shift at work, or when she went out with 'The Girls' to pursue their raucous, innocent nights of mayhem and fun. He had worn dresses, skirts and tops. Even the stockings that Elaine had worn once and complained that she would never wear them again, yet still tucked away in her underwear drawer. Just in case. After a fashion, Luke considered that she always knew he tried on her clothes, simply not acknowledging it. An open, unmentioned secret between themselves.

The sound of padded feet pounding upon the stairs brought Luke back to the present and Toby bounced into the room, jumping up onto the bed. The little Jack Russell Corgi cross licked Luke's face twice, stood in the centre of the bed, turned in a circle four times and then collapsed with a sigh, big brown eyes flicking up at Luke as his curled tail wagged behind him. Luke would have to head downstairs to close the kitchen door now that the dog appeared to have had enough running around in the garden.

Tugging on a fresh pair of underpants, Luke sat back down on the bed, still staring at the wardrobe, his hand reaching out to stroke Toby's head. Andy was right. Luke knew he was right. He couldn't keep Elaine's clothes forever. It made the wardrobe off-limits. A shrine of cloth and memories that he avoided. Both through fear of bringing back the bad memories and through the thought that he may desecrate Elaine's memory by wearing something.

Toby nudged Luke's hand, telling him that he had stopped the affection, and Luke looked down at the little, golden-brown furred dog with a feint smile. He gave Toby a vigorous scratching behind both the animal's ears before falling back upon the bed. The thought of getting rid of Elaine's clothes had caused his heart to thump.

Still a little too warm after the shower, still a little tired after the game, Luke closed his eyes, his arm crossing over his face, darkening everything except for the impression of the bright daylight streaming from behind his forearm. Before he knew it, he began to fall asleep, not even disturbed as Toby moved, circling again, before laying his head on Luke's chest.

-+-

Christina lived next door and Luke had never really called her a friend. Both at six-years old, he certainly couldn't call her a girlfriend, either. Not that her parents would ever allow such a thing, anyway. They were strict, religious people who had very defined ideas of how people should act, at all times. None more so than themselves and Christina. Though they did allow her a little freedom, once every-so-often. Only, not much.

She couldn't play games with the rest of the kids on the area, only with Luke, and only within calling distance from the house. She certainly couldn't take the short-cut through the trees, past Luke's makeshift den, and out into the playing fields beyond. Out of sight meant that Christina was doing something she shouldn't. She never wore jeans and t-shirts, like other girls. Never wore leggings and always had to have her hair long and in a ponytail with a bow.