Only For You

XLIV) Marion: Because He Died

Finding out that Nick died was the most horrific thing I've ever experienced in my life. My heart has never been the same. I walk this earth lonely and scared. My life is in complete fear. The palms of my hands always sweat because of the nerves that come from what I saw when I fought. The thoughts will not leave my mind. The pictures of people literally on the ground dying are always on my mind. I have no one to comfort me anymore because Nick is dead. He's dead and it hurts my soul too much. I go to bed and have bad dreams, I walk down the street in a panic attack thinking someone is going to jump out and kill me. I somehow wish I could have my mind wiped clean because nothing is going away. I'm physically sick and mentally sick. I just can't keep putting up with this.

My flight finally arrived at the Düsseldorf International airport at about 9:45 am this morning. My sluggish body drug itself through the airport and finally came across the bathrooms. I had to go so bad. I ran in and took my suitcase behind me. When I washed my hands I realized that I was supposed to have landed an hour ago, but since I was so sleepy and depressed I couldn't even think straight. My mind was foggy and unclear. I sat in the airport and watched the planes for another hour or so. It was my medicine. When I exited the airport I could smell the fresh German air. It felt like my home, but better. My eyes wandered the streets as my feet carried me to the spotter bench where I could see more planes. There were a few plane spotters there, but they never talked to me. I did shyly glance at them and they seemed to be around my age. I saw them staring at me, but they didn't do anything. Plane after plane after plane flew by until I decided it was time to head off.

As I began to walk my body ached so badly. I was ready to surrender, but I wasn't going to yet. People stared at me as I walked down the street wearing my jacket that Nick gave me. I looked at the ground because they all most likely knew who I was: the female pilot that got humiliated on tv. The sad pilot that struggles to keep her wings. At least that's how I see myself. Everyone else sees me as a hero, but I don't.

The sweet German air kissed my face as I walked down the sidewalk. My fingers punched in the address to the cemetery where Nick is buried at. My fingers ached as they painfully punched in each number and letter. It took me around a corner where happy Germans were celebrating Oktoberfest. I'm not here for the jolly festivities of Oktoberfest. I'm here mourning the death of the guy I loved. "Glückwunsch Zum Oktoberfest!" I heard a young German man tell me. "Dankeschön mein Freunde." I replied back as I continued to walk. I made it to the graveyard when my mind came crashing down even harder. I looked at the picture from the German news on my phone and compared it to what I was seeing with my own eyes.

After ten minutes of searching in the silent cemetery I found his grave. There was a beautiful headstone with his name on it. It also read as follows:

Lieutenant Nicholas "Rummel" Schneider

June 29th, 2002 - Oktober 30th, 2022

Long live towards the sky

My heart broke harder and harder as I literally fell down and cried. I rubbed his headstone with my hands as I was bent over on my knees crying my heart out. "Nick, Nick if you can hear me, I love you so so much." I whispered very quietly. It seemed like time slowed down a lot and the pain in my soul wasn't getting better. My heart hurts so bad because I love Nick. What have I done to myself? My left hand gripped my right wrist so hard to the point where it hurt. "Nick please. I'm so sorry I couldn't come to the funeral." The tears fled my eyes like a dam breaking open on a reservoir. My heart hurt like it was being stabbed. I yearned for a hug, but couldn't get one -a hug from Nick.

As I was sobbing profusely I heard someone walk up next to me, but I ignored them. "Ah was machst du jetzt Fräulein?" a woman's voice muttered to me. I barely looked up out of the crevasse of my arm. I saw a short, white haired woman that wore black pants and a simple blue tunic. Her hair was short and permed. She looked prim and proper, but not too overboard. "Uhm Hallo. Sprechen Sie englisch bitte?" I asked her if she could speak English. "Yes, I can speak English for you. It's all good." She gave off a warm smile that brought some comfort to my aching soul. "Did you lose someone?" She asked.

My eyes traveled up and down the tree that stood behind her. "Yes I did. Someone I..." I couldn't spit out the word love because I was just too broken. She said, "don't worry it will get better with time. I've lost six people in two years. Trust me, I know. I lost my parents two years ago one month apart. I lost my aunt six months ago and my husband three months ago. I lost a beloved friend of mine from college a month ago and I just lost my son." Her eyes balled up with tears as she talked. "Y-your son?" My voice stammered. "Yes Fräulein, my son. You're at my son's grave." She let out a smile. "Nicholas is your son?" I asked quietly.

The wind gave off a slight breeze which felt good. "Yes." Was all she replied with. There was quite a long pause in our conversation. "My name is Lina by the way." She broke the silence. "I'm Marion." I said almost whispering. "I'm so sorry about all of this Mrs. Schneider. I really am. I loved your son! I loved Nick so much." I tried to apologize, but I felt so bad. My mind spun as I stared at her face. "Don't be sorry." She added to my statement, "it's completely understandable. So... tell me why you loved him."

I was caught in a daze dreaming about him again. "Well Mrs. Schneider, you raised him right. He was literally the most amazing guy I've ever met. He was a darn good fighter pilot that fought for what was right. He gave the most comforting hugs whenever I needed help. He gave the kindest and most amazing kisses ever. I love him and I will never stop being in love with him. He was cute and the things he'd do would melt my heart. I miss his arms wrapping around for a hug and his eyes staring at the planes in the distance. I-I'm so sorry Mrs. Schneider, this is probably all too much information and I'm so sorry." Some part of me felt guilty for being in love with her son. I felt bad -almost like the knife was jabbing deeper into my side. I missed him, but I felt guilty for liking him.

Her eyes stared off into the distance for a long while before she finally broke silence, "Marion, it's alright. You don't have to worry about it because he truly was a great guy and he definitely deserves you. I'm sure you don't know, but he was writing letters where he'd briefly mention you. In all those letters he wrote back, only three, he always mentioned how much he loved you. Don't worry, it's not too much information. I felt the same way when I met my husband. You two are beyond perfect for each other and I thank you for everything you did for him." Her eyes reminded me of a cool summer morning when they reflected the grass in them. She sat down by the headstone where I was sitting.

"Oh... I bet you don't know this, but he saved my life. I crashed because my plane was shot down. He saved me from dying. He gave me shots of morphine just so I would be comfortable. He gave me hugs and kisses just so I knew I was loved and appreciated by someone. He hid both himself and I from the other people. He risked his own to save me." My eyes welled up in tears. It hurt so bad. "If it wasn't for him I would be dead. I miss him so much it gives me so much depression." I struggled to talk. It was almost as if my mouth couldn't utter words. "He hugged me to make sure I knew I was appreciated. Nick kissed me because he wanted me to feel loved." Tears were pouring down my face faster than Niagara Falls.

"Oh honey..." she leaned over and gave me a hug. "Marion, he loved you so much. You're a wonderful girl." Her eyes were glossed over with small tears. "It'll be alright." We both sat there crying. My finger traced the words on Nick's headstone. Mrs. Schneider finally broke the silence. "Marion, they never found his body. You know that right? They said that he was burned in the plane crash. They collected his ashes and placed them in an urn. We buried it here next to his father."

It took a second to recollect and think about what was happening. "They never... found his body." I said quietly. She nodded and began to say, "he still has belongings in the hangar. That's all that's left. Are you paying for a hotel?" She asked kindly. "Yes, I am paying for a hotel. I'm here three more nights then my time is up." My finger traced the N in Nicholas, then my thumb painfully traced his last name: Schneider. "You can stay with me. Trust me I can use some company. You can sleep in Nick's room. I emptied everything out except for the bed. Having him gone has literally been so painful. Would you be okay with that?" She asked. I gave a slow nod yes. "Yeah, I'd love that. I could use someone to talk to as well. I'm going to go to the airport to get some of his stuff. I'll just go tomorrow because it's getting pretty late.

My mind still hurts... it killed.