Welcome to the S*** Show

July 20th, 2022 6:24 PM

Okay so maybe there is something not quite right with my brain. 

Hi guys, been a minute. Lets recap.

New boyfriend, back on birth control (depressing hormones and weight gain), starting a new job. Can already feel the anxiety ramping up

That's the summary, in a jist. 

But now I am once again beginning to second guess all my choices. Was I so happy off birth control that I wasn't thinking straight? Why did I jump into a relationship with someone hell-bent on the idea that I was going to marry them? And why, three months in, do I no longer seem to feel this way?

Do I break up with him? Do I give it another month to see if I can get through all the little things that upset me?

Or worse. Make a pros v cons list. No, I can't. Can I? All girls know that once you make the pros v cons list, it's over. 

But god I can't help it. Is it sick and twisted that a part of me, the 21-year-old part of me who finally feels comfortable and sexual with her body, kind of wants to have a hoe phase? Not extremely hoe-ish, but I want to date people. Without the intention of a relationship every time, but without the intention of hooking up every time. I want to meet guys and just have fun. 

Alright, fuck it. Let's do the pros v cons, maybe anyone reading this can see my list and offer advice, or confirm that my questionable feelings are valid. 

PRO: 

-he is the first gentleman I have dated. Opens the car door for me, always asks me if I'm hungry, pays for my meals, and drives an hour to see me when I ask him to

-communicates very well about his feelings and what is going on with his life, or when he can't text me

-bought me flowers

-told me he would work on my car if it had any issues

-6'7, attractive

-cares about my mental health

-tells me he is extremely proud of me and my career and where I am going in life

-tries to have a good relationship with my father, makes an active effort to be involved with my family and conversations

CON:

-conservative (to a point), dropped out of school, believes in conspiracy theories, works an 8-5 construction job 5 days a week, lives an hour away, doesn't call me during the week but occasionally texts, sometimes says degrading comments about women/feminism that genuinely rub me the wrong way

-not as smart as me in many areas

-a month into talking told me he wanted to marry me, that I "wasn't like other girls" (ladies I know this is a textbook red flag but for some reason, a part of me loved hearing that a month in)

-I feel like our sex life lacks passion, plus his dick is so big it hurts me most times, and I feel like if he cared about me enough he would do anything to make sure it wasn't hurting me

-he lacks my love language which is physical touch, he doesn't touch me like how I touch him/want to be touched

-just isn't able to give me the attention I want at this point in his life

SO,

Do you think I love bombed him? Or maybe we both did a little bit of love bombing. He was very clear about what he wanted (marriage) and I thought I could see myself being with him. But as time goes on, and the honeymoon phase wears off, I worry once again I was irrational and jumped into something without thinking of the other person's feelings.

And now fuck me, because I think I love the kid, and being physically intimate with him made it that much harder to separate my feelings from rational and irrational. 

I don't know what to do. The idea of ending things with him and him hating me crushes my fucking soul and heart. Because I know he would do it in a snap and would erase me from his life with no remorse. Because he's been hurt before. God fucking damn it. The idea of it makes me want to cry. 

In so many ways he is just miles better than my ex, which is what I keep telling myself, but he also still falls short of what I imagine for myself. 

I think for now I am going to wait a little bit longer, and see how me starting my job interferes with our relationship and how we handle that. 

Because if there is no change and I continue to only see him once a week but with my new job now that would be even less because I work some weekends) then I will not be able to sustain a relationship where I only see him once every two weeks or so. I know that some couples can handle long-distance relationships but #1 the distance isn't that long and #2 I know what I want and what I deserve and I deserve more time than that. I deserve someone who is going to want to be around me more than once a week. If you can only handle me for 48 hours at a time, how will you ever expect to marry and move in with me?

I am starting a new chapter in my life and I know who I am, and what I want. 

I can't afford to waste time or others' time. It's cruel. Heartbreakingly cruel.

Well, I guess we will both be curious as to what the next update will be on this topic. 

Tata for now,

-Rachel