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February 2nd, 2021 9:02 PM

I had a setback tonight.

Let's recap yea?

Apparently, I have a boyfriend? But it doesn't feel like it. Because it doesn't match up to any of the expectations I had. And I am a little worried that the only connection I have with this kid is physical. I find it really difficult to open up to him- to talk to him. I feel like he hardly knows me, and I hardly know him. How can I date someone who I barely know? Ironically, he's the first guy I've felt comfortable enough to actually let touch me, but only in controlled amounts.

In addition, it's draining. When I hang out with him my personality works in overdrive, and I expend so much energy. Too much. I have none left for myself.

We never do anything but cuddle and watch movies and it scares me- physical affection and intimacy scare me. I have gotten so used to being on my own for so long, and I wasn't exactly raised by super affectionate parents. This all feels so foreign, and I feel like I am being rushed. It only adds to my anxiety. Because of these things, and because of my concerns, I am only happy about the situation when I am with him. When I am left by myself to think about everything, once again I spiral out of control. 

So I had a breakdown tonight. 

Related to that. Related to school. Circling back to my main fear- that I made the biggest mistake in my life when I chose my major and now I am going to be miserable for as long as I breathe air on this planet. 

I slept for three hours. I did not want to get up. I had no energy, no motivation. 

Why did you sleep so long? Because I did not want to be awake.

Because-- and it's fucked up to say--because sleeping is the closest thing to not existing.

But it's only temporary. Which I guess for me, for now, is the best solution I can find.

I'm not actually suicidal. I would never, could never, bring myself to do something like that. 50% of me is too narcissistic to just let myself give up over menial things like school and boys. 

Writing that sentence made me laugh because it's true. I am determined to succeed and I am absolutely terrified of failure. It's a double-edged blade. I torment myself by continuing to push myself to do well at the cause of my sadness in the first place.

Like right now, I despise nursing. I don't think the career will bring me happiness. Yet, if I get a bad grade, I will feel even more worthless. So now I have to continue to study what makes me upset and frustrated. It's awful. I blame myself. For not going against my dad when he said I had to pick something related to the healthcare field. For not trying harder. For feeling stupid. 

anyways. After I slept I pretty much cried for a good hour about all of this. 

I just wish I could have someone to tell this stuff to, but I think a part of me is broken. I don't think I will ever be emotionally available or open enough to share myself with another person.

I think I was wrong. I am not ready for a relationship. I am certainly not happy, even though I thought I was, and I do not think I could make someone else happy. I need that energy, that effort, to focus back on myself. 

So I don't know what to do now. Do I have to hurt feelings to save my own? To save my mental sanity, really. Or do I just wait things out and hope that I start to feel comfortable enough to show the real me?

I do not know.

-Rachel.