Welcome to the S*** Show

January 28 2022 10:42PM

To the men that come next:

                  Do not waste my time. Do not play with my feelings. 

Understand that I come from a place where affection was not common. Where expressing your emotions got you yelled at. 

Understand that my first and only relationship to this point made me feel like an object. 

Understand that the one man I ever loved barely spoke to me, used my body, and would leave. Repeatedly. 

Understand that I would be asked to drink; to party. Only to be taken away to another room once I started enjoying myself. Only to be left in that room to "go to sleep" until the person I trusted returned drunker than I. 

Understand that I have come from a place where I have been taken advantage of. 

Forced, dragged, pull on top of, when I could hardly understand what was going on. 

When I was intoxicated. And only wanted to sleep. 

So.

Understand that when you call me every night. I will not allow you to sit in silence. 

I will not allow a man to make me question my worth. 

If you call me, you talk to me. You don't sit in the dark. You don't say my name just to say my name. You don't leave me waiting. 

Understand, that you say my name to elicit a response from me. To ask a question. To get to know me. 

To know this. 

But you don't.  

You won't ever understand. 

Instead, I am left doing the talking. I am left feeling worse than before I even answered the familiar ring.  It is my time you took. And my heart you damaged, yet again.

Because each little interaction like this, no matter how insignificant it is, adds to the part of me that will never believe a man will want me for more than my skin. 

And the more this happens the more I never even want to give over that part of me. 

It feels like sin now. 

I will never understand men. I will never understand what you actually want from me. I don't know if I will ever trust that someone will want me just to love me. To love me purely. To protect me. To see me.

Not just to fuck me. 

I guess I will never understand... 

So maybe, all in all,  I guess I will always be asking for too much.