Welcome to the S*** Show

January 12th, 2021 8:30 PM

how do you let go?

how do you push yourself to take the leap?

I've spent so long by myself I convinced myself that i didn't know how to love, or how to share my emotions. 

So when a guy seems like-- I can't even explain it. there are so many reasons as to why I am not good enough for this person. as to why I continue to hold myself back. he just seems so genuine, and I feel so fake inside. because I've been lying to myself for years to convince myself to stay stagnant. to convince me I was unloveable. 

but now I know my worth. I have told myself I am worthy and am waiting for the right guy who sees that. 

yet. for some reason why is it that now I feel like I'm not worthy enough for him?

I cannot even skim the surface of his complexity as a person. it's a scary thing, to think about learning to love another human. someone else who lives their own life, and carries thoughts just as I do, like right now. 

it terrifies me. 

opening up to someone terrifies me.

I have never had to do that before

I used to think my trivial friend breakups and short-lived talking stages hurt when they ended. 

 but if I show my soul to someone? and I end up getting hurt? 

I cant even imagine how that will damage me.

HOWEVER

if that does happen. it was meant to. and its good character development. It's a part of my life path. 

so fuck it. 

I have to try don't I? I'm so tired of being scared to take chances

I'm gonna go after what I want. I'm going to choose happiness for once. 

and if it ends in sadness, then at least I had the journey

-Rachel